Thursday, April 28, 2011

THE BEAUTY OF RAWNESS

It's a debate I'd been trying to argue with myself about. Raw or refined? Which of these do we prefer? Which is to say - which do we say we prefer, and which do we actually prefer?

Come on, it's not like you haven't been victim to it.

Sure, you like Test cricket. Who wants to appear cool on Twitter in their right mind doesn't? Talking about Rahul Dravid's 148 is the 'in'-thing in this age of slam-bam-thank-you-DLF cricket, it's all the rage to talk about Laxmanian beauty and Waughesque elegance. Equal contest between bat and ball is where it's all at. No?

Why, then, are you willing that unknown batsman to score a six off every delivery? Why do you want Manbeast to race to a century off 25 deliveries? Are you telling me that when you see the score in an ODI being 100/0 off 8 overs, you do NOT have visions and heck, even dreams, of the batting team scoring 500? And when the opener gets out for 86 off 32 deliveries, you feel a sense of Awwwwfuck!-edness, even though  externally you'll proclaim that you're happy normalcy has been restored?

Like George Carlin said, "Get outta here". You love sin as much as anyone. You may say you're on a diet, eating sprouts and drinking grapefruit juice, and saying to the world you're happy about it. Balls. You fantasize about Snickers and fried chicken (not KFC, that's just crap) all the time.

Rawness. It's there in all of us.

It was something I thought I lost after coming to Mumbai, attending gigs in hep places like Blue Frog. Here, you had to portray the image of being knowledgeable. You felt almost shameful sneaking in before 9 PM and not ordering anything, standing around reading articles on your phone, while bills of five digits were being racked up around you, and you knew for a fact that the waiters were sneering at you behind your backs. Band comes on. Polite headbobbing. A few \m/ signs if things were really kickass. Mild jumping. But heck, the place is nice and air-conditioned. It didn't feel like you'd just been through a draining concert. Also, you score style points if you have a huge camera. The bigger the better. Camera that is.

And then, something like B69 happens. To be precise, a Zero gig happens at B69. On a Saturday.
If you were expecting comfort, I'm sorry.

After goodness knows how long, I could feel sweat even though I wasn't really moving too much. Suddenly, having a Nikon D5000 meant nothing. Because you could hardly see the band anyway (flat surface) and hence, you couldn't show off your gear either. Not that anyone really gave a damn. Because they were jumping around and screaming.

It'd been 4 years since I'd done something like that. Ever since I was just too protective of expensive phones, cameras and various other paraphernalia on my person to actually enjoy myself.

Zero came on. The usual set of tracks followed. I could spot the usual bunch of madmen, who were all gearing up. Something had to give.  It was itching, really. The lead up to PSP 12", their most famous track, was agonizing. Like you could feel Sachin just winding up to thrash Kasprowicz out of the park.

Bassline kicks in.
I knew it was time. I'd probably never get this chance again.

Warren plays the arrpegio.
I threw my gear to the side where friends would take care of it, kept the glasses safely in my pocket.

"If I had the time to stay here all night".
I navigated my way through the barricade. Got right in, as it were. High-fived a couple of people who I knew were usual participants in such events.

"If I had my way... Then I wouldn't hear you say..."
I was holding onto people who I didn't know. They didn't care. We were all one.

"Ah, ah, ah, aaah!"
This is it. This is it. Get ready.

"Standingbystandingbystandingby...."
FUCK! This is madness! Jumping up and down like I've never done! Screaming the two words that make up the entire chorus. Ramming into people. Throwing an absolute stranger into someone else because he asked me to.

2.5 minutes later, it was over. I was hoarse. I was sweating. Hands on the shoulders of fellow Zeroheads. No idea who they were. Didn't matter.

Took me a while to recover, it did.

That was raw. It was beautiful. There's something about gigs like this.

Monday, April 18, 2011

ROCKBAND INTERVIEWS

So I wrote a small post outlining my favourite Deep Purple songs yesterday. I didn't expect too many people to read it, as it was more of a personal compilation. Perhaps some peeps who were interested in rock music, yeah, maybe.

However, what I got was something else totally. 79 comments on Facebook - most to do nothing with the post itlsef, but outlining various 'interview' situations for rock musicians around the world. What started it of course, was my good friend and PaGaLGuY's ed-in-chief Apurv - who said what a Deep Purple guitarist application interview would be like. This seemed like a good enough meme for some short-term hilarity, and myself, Milcom and Failgunner happily contributed. Some more contributions by MSNarain and a few others later, we saw a goldmine. I didn't know whether the meme had enough potential to warrant a Tumblr like this one, so I'm testing it out on the blog first, and let's see where it goes from there.

Without further ado - Rockband Interviews.

Deep Purple:

DP Member: Do you know the blues scale?
Prospective: Yes.
DPM: Do you have a distortion pedal?
P: Yes.
DPM: Have you any ambition left in life?
P: No.
DPM: Great. So when does your ex-band notice period end?



==


Iron Maiden:


IM member: How many chords do you know?
Prospective: Three... A, G and F.
IM member: The actual chords?
Prospective: I can play only the power chords
IM member: That's good. You're sure you know absolutely no other chords, right?
Prospective: Yessur.
IM member: Excellent. When can you start?


==


For GnR (any post other than vocalist)

GnR member: Do you know the name of this band?
Prospective: Uhm... Yes
GnR member: Do you know any of our songs?
Prospective: Er, yes *plays first two notes of SCoM*
GnR member: Perfect! How long do you think an album should take to get recorded in?
Prospective: Atleast 15 years. Gotta take your time with these things.
GnR member: You're hired!



==


For U2 guitarist post : 
Bono (puts away charity file) : do you know how to play more than 2 notes on the guitar?
Slash : yes .3
Bono : NEXT.
Edge : I will give you Lita if you pick me.
Bono : i like the name but no
The Edge : I can play 1 note only if i use a stupid tool on the guitar.
Bono : YOU'RE IN!!! Now sign over your mortgage to Charity.



==


For GreenDay lead guitar (snigger) post:
GD member: Can you play a note on the guitar?
Prospective: Yes
GD member: Can you play it 8 times in a row?
Prospective: Yes
GD member: When can you start? By the way, you have to bring your own mascara.



==


For any new project in the Indian rock scene
Band member: What's your name?
Prospective: Siddharth Coutto.
Band member: You're hired!



==


For Megadeth : 

DM : can you play better than Kirk Hammett?
Prospective 1 : no man, he is the best and i love his wah.
DM : *slaps him* get out!
Prospective 2 : Sure. EVERYONE CAN
DM : :D
DM : what guitars and amps do you play?
P2 : I use..
DM : IT DOESNT MATTER WHAT YOU USE. You have to use the same ones i do or you are not hired
P2 : sigh. Ok I will stop using my ENGL tube amps and Jackson custom guitars for...Dean and Marshall :|



==


Modern-day Pink Floyd interview:
DG: Why haven't you touched my feet yet?
P: Lower your gaze sir, my surgically planted wooden third arm too is touching your feet.
DG: Good. Get the lyrics from my wife



==


For ZZ Top:
Band member: Do you have either facial hair or a name with elements of it?
Prospective: Sure... My name is Harry Moustache and...
Band member: HIRED!



==


For Metallica's crew post:

Lars : Hi. have you ever downloaded a song off the internet illegaly?
Prospective : Uhh... everyone has.
Lars : Light the beacons!
(beacons are lit)
Lars: My lawyers will be in touch.



==


Dream Theater:
Band member: Are you a level 893489 Trinity college examination holder in any instrument?
Candidate: Uh... No :(
Band member: Can you sing?
Candidate: A bit, but I've been accused by the rest of my band for dragging them down.
Band member: Sign here, please.



==


Blind guardian interview. Circa release date of The children of Hurin.

HK : who is your favourite author?
P1 : J K Rowling! :D Gay4 HP.
HK : *sets fire to p1*
P2 : Tolkien.
HK : Don't lie. Name your favourite book by him
P2 : the children of hurin.
HK : DEI
P2 : Why did you misspell die?
HK : I bet your favourite metallica song is nothing else matters.
P2 : Yes! how did you know.
HK : oh so you are basically every music fan in India?
P2 : *walks away*



==


Coldplay Interview : 

CM : Do you know A minor?
P1 : No but i hear all your fans are minors.
CM : DEI.
P2 : Yes it is the only scale right?
CM : You're Hired.



==


Backstreet Boys backstage:
BSB1: Look what I got, guys! A guitar!
Rest of BSB: You're fired.



==


Eric Clapton backing band interview:

EC: Have you learned any new musical skill in the last 20 years?
P: Nope.
EC: Hired!



==


Dragonforce :

Herman Li : So can you play 3192830912381 notes a second?
P1 : Hey didn't you deliver chinese takeout to me last night?
Herman LI : *gets sword out and slices P1 in half*
P2 : Hey i think there's enough racism here so i can play 1 note per second but when i speed it up like you do i can play 12039812093812093812839109382.
HL *slices p2 as well*
P3 : is this the Noodle making class?
HL : harakiri.



==


Rebecca Black:
RB: Can you write songs about the dilemma faced between choosing the front seat or the back seat of a car?
Candidate: Yes.
RB: Can you auto-tune?
Candidate: Yes.
RB: you're hired.



==


Lamb of God:
Randy: Can you make profound, meaningful lyrics and never make it seem so on stage?
P: I guess so.
R: Here, eat this.
P: *swallows, flinches*.. RRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHOOOOOAAAAAAAHHHHH *pukes all over the floor*
R: Pick him up and give him his lines.



==


AC/DC :

ACDC : do you still have your school uniform?
Candidate : no. why would i still have that?
ACDC : GET OUT!
Candidate 2 : I found this in my closet but i can't play guitar barring rehashed old acdc songs.
ACDC : hired!



==


Boyzone:
RK: We really like your voice and think you'll fit in perfectly well with us.
Candidate: Why, thank you! I look forward to being part of this group.
RK: I think we're good here. Do you have any questions?
Candidate: Why, yes, actually. What do you guys think of making original music?
RK: GETOUTOFHEREANDNEVERSHOWYOURFACEAGAIN



==


Harris Jayaraj:

HJ: Can you play the C minor scale?
P: Um.. yes but I'm not very sure about others..
HJ. Perfect! Hired.



==


Savage Garden:
DH: When do you think Greatest Hits albums should be released?
Candidate: Atleast once every two studio albums. No point letting the hits get stale, no?
DH: Perfect! Welcome aboard! Our induction programme includes a trip to the moon and back.



==


The Beatles : 
Candidate : before you ask me anything , let me tell you a joke.
Beatles : ok
C : knock knock
Beatles : who is there?
C : Ringo's most complex drum pattern.
Beatles : DEI!



==


Spinal Tap:
ST member: Are you prone to accidents
Drummer: Yes.
ST member: You're hired!



==


Opeth :

Mikael Akerfeldt : Are you a sexy beast like me?
C1 : Yes.
MA : You are fired
MA : Are you a sexy beast?
C2 : No.
MA : Have you been in a band longer than 3 years?
C2 : No
MA : You are hired
....
3 years later,
MA : C2, you're fired.



==


Linkin Park:
Chester: Do you know Photoshop?
Candidate: Why yes, I can also play the gui...
Chester: SHADDAP! YOU'RE HIRED!



==


Fort Minor :

MS : so what can you bring to our group? you look a little old.
Candidate : Ohh i came for the minors. isn't this the fort of minors?
MS : You pervert! this is my band's name.The minors are all pissed off with Mikhail's coldplay comment. you can find them there.
Candidate : yes! come to the precious.



==


Krish Ashok: 
Do you think TR is kvlt?
Yes.
Do you think TR is Awesome?
Yes.
Do you worship TR?
Yes.
You're hired!



==


Zero:


WM: Okay, let's test your GK. When is Christmas?
Candidate: Uhm... December.
WM: *sigh* Thanks. Next.



==


Blackstratblues:


WM : So you want to play in my live band?
P1 : yes.
WM : whichsongs do you want to play?
P1 : Bombay Rain!
WM : Did Mikhail send you here?
P1 : no sir. who is that?
WM : ok will let you know.
P2 : Hey man when are you releasing your albums on vinyl?
WM : Why has mikhail brainwashed all the candidates?



==


Oasis lead vocalist spot:
Noel Gallagher: First of all, do you have ANY Gallagher genes?
Candidate: Uhm no. I'm American.
NG: Thank goodness. Now, pronounce: S-H-I-N-E
Candidate: shine
NG: Again. Slowly.
Candidate: sheeeeeeeyiiiiine
NG: You're in! Don't bother getting your songwriting books along, I'll take care of that.



==


Zero groupie interview:


SC: So you know all our songs, albums, history, read all our articles on NH7, everything.
Candidate: Yessir.
SC: I think we're good to go. Tell me, what song would you like us to play more often?
Candidate: Cry.
SC/WM/RT/BT: Darn you Deepak, we told you you couldn't apply for this job. Get OUT!



==


Michael Angelo Batio:
MAB: So what sort of music do you like to play?
Candidate: I'm into slow-tempo, almost elevator-type music. Nothing faster than say 50 BPM.
MAB: You're just bloody lucky that my sarcasm isn't as good as my guitaring.



==


Don Ross:
DR: Oh wait, I don't need anybody else.

(PS: The dude is awesome)



==


Tenacious D
Jack Black: Do you have "Ious D" tattooed on your butt cheek?
Candidate: What?
JB: you're rejected.



==


Metallica bassist interview
LU: Are you Cliff Burton reincarnated?
Candidate: Er, no...
LU: Gah! Then atleast can you channel his spirit?
Candidate: Err.... Not really.
LU: YOULOUSYMOTHERFUCKERCANYOUATLEASTPLAYLIKECLIFFBURTON?!!!!!!!
Candidate: Noone can play like Cliff Burton, sir.
LU: Hired.



==


Led Zeppelin: 
Q: Have you heard of Jake Holmes?
A: Who?
Q: You are hired



==


The Who: 

Q: Do you want to join me and Bonham? we are trying to cut Peter Frampton's hair.
A: Ermmm... No?
Q: You are a pussy. Here. Catch this dynamite.



==


Phew :D


I'm guessing there are going to be a few contributions in the comments (I can hope, no?) I'll put those up on another post. Or... Perhaps even do a Tumblr if there are that many :)