All this #tweetlike___ stuff was entertaining in bursts. It was a great way to poke fun at celebs. For instance:
Yay! Another state's got divided. Now that's another potential franchise for season 8 #tweetlikemodi luv n hugz n xxxes 2 all ma fns cu all 2mrw :-) :-) :-) #tweetlikebollywoodmoron #youprefer #youremember, #delayedtweets. What's the #difference? #forgottencricketlandmarks #tweetlikeirsquared
Of course, there's only temporary hilarity to be had by poking fun with a limit of 140 characters (less, taking into account the hashtag length). So what if we did a #bloglike? That would be interesting.
Sadly, Lalit Modi's four limbs are taken up by three Blackberries and Priety Zinta, and unless genetic research allows him to grow a fifth, there's no scope for blogging. Most Bollywood actors are wondering how to further reduce character size of 'u', 'n' and 'thx', or giving interviews about their opinions on the fiscal deficit, so no time for silly things like opening a Blogger account there.
And IRSquared refuses to blog since he's too busy trying to become a doppelganger of his idol, vishal_c.
So we have to look at other bloggers for our #bloglike series. How would our favourite bloggers react to a monumental event? Say...
S. Sreesanth becoming the captain of the Kochi IPL team.
Anyone who has sat through a business school pre-placement talk presentation (Hehe. PPT PPT) will realise that all of the images in the world's corporate communication material consists of people in the same poses and with the same fake expressions. Usually the picture does not even have employees of the said company, as Google Images generally results in a less strenous (and admittedly, more aesthetically pleasing) solution.
This dependance on G-Images for the presentations, brochures and websites around the world means that the same blonde lady, who was probably on vacation and thrilled at seeing an elephant or something, has been used on Powerpoints across the world along with groan-worthy acronyms. Such as:
1. 'dynamic employees who are part of a global W.I.N. system' (Worldwide Ideation Network)
2. 'L.E.A.D. program for a vibrant career' (Leadership Enhancement and Development)
3. 'O.R.G.A.S.M. participants burst in joy' (Organisational Recreation Games And Systematic Mentorship)
But yeah, we were talking about images. Not text. Sorry for the digression.
Notice how the lady above is ostensibly done with half her form but you can't see anything filled up. Invisible ink perhaps, they use in these cutting-edge new-age companies.
Apart from the blonde, and her pearly whites, there's the handshake. You know, two suited up gents, smiling as if each think they've conned the other, against a backdrop of equally impressively attired but ostensibly lower-in-the-command-chain cronies. There will also be a couple of big-ass buildings which will lead poor students into believing that all high-profile business deals take place right on the street, surrounded by subordinates. Surely, the phrase 'another deal cracked on Wall Street' has never made so much sense before.
Wordart is to CorpComm-PPT-makers what strings are to a guitarist, diesel is to a truck driver and 2, 4 dimethylformaldehyde to a 2, 4 dimethylformaldehydist.
Wordart has allowed for otherwise drab, boring text to be presented in fancy ways that elicits 'Oohs' and 'Aahs!' and generally anything that doesn't make you prefer root canal over sitting for this current death by slide.
Consider the following:
1. 6 months of on-field training where the participant will learn hands-on the basic aspect of the business from the ground level
2. On confirmation the participant will be allowed to join the vertical of his/her choice and will be rotated on projects regularly
3. Final posting after 2 years of successfully completing the training and project program
You see? Sitting brain-dead in the room, still sore at PlaceComm asking you to shave off your carefully grown fucking piece of facial fungus goatee you'd obviously be more swayed by the latter slide.
Also notice how Wordart has managed to get to the crux of the issue using about 80% fewer words, a method PPT makers are forced to adopt to fit the topic inside that goddamn li'l circle. I believe Wordart was actually invented by Microsoft in response to too many people committing suicide in conference rooms muttering things like 'Noooo! Too much text!' and 'Aaaaa! One more slide!'.
It is also becoming fairly common to show a few pics of the office and the goons you're going to be working with. This will usually be done on the last slide, where an aerial shot will show 25 jobless fucks who had nothing to do that day. HR interns who're pretty cute dynamic employees all giving a thumbs-up to the camera or some such. In the middle (or some prominent position) will be the iconic CEO and/or the person who's presenting to you.
On joining the company, you will be searching for these ladies of course, no doubt to boost your knowledge and competency levels by making 'office buddies' but all of them have either left, work in another branch or simply don't give a rodent's posterior about you. When you protest and bring up the organization's O.R.G.A.S.M. approach, they will probably laugh / sneer / both and leave.
Much more hilarity can be had with the analysis of the world's Corpcomm material but I'm stopping now because like those people who make PPTs, I'm rambling on. So we'll explore Part 2 in another post.
Yipee-ki-yays to fellow comics conspirator Apurv for giving me the idea for this one.
PS1: Thank you to the world's greatest consultant, Rahul Ashok, for helping when my Powerpoint broke down
PS2: Blade Inc sounds familiar, you say? Why, you're right!