Friday, February 26, 2010

JOB APPLICATION #FAILS... OR #WINS, ACTUALLY...

I don't usually pimp forwards - but this one was different. It was so funny I had to, just HAD to share it on the blog. Thank you to my dear friend Lex Menon for sharing this.

Enjoy, guys :)

Some gems from job applications...

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Cover letter: "I would be prepared to meet with you at your earliest convenience to discuss what I can do to your company."

That's what we're afraid of ...
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Resume: "It is my professional objective to obtain a position which allows me to make use of my commuter skills."

I think we can oblige.
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Weaknesses: "Suffer from prickly heat in summer."

Sounds uncomfortable.
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Cover letter: "Enclosed is my resume for your viewing pleasure."

We can hardly wait.
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Cover letter: "You are privileged to receive my resume."

We'll try not to let it go to our heads.
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Objective: "To mature in the field of human behavior."

Good luck with that.
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Experience: "10 years of experience in financail budgiting and transactions rigistering."

But limited experience with the spell-check function.
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Cover letter: "Please overlook my resume."

If you insist.
==================================================
Cover letter: "I'm submitting the attached copy of my resume for your consumption."

Yum.
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Skills: "Grate communication skills."

Yes, but can you talk and chop at the same time?
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Experience: "Responsibilities included recruiting, screening, interviewing and executing final candidates."

Seems kind of harsh ...
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Cover letter: "Salary demanded - $65,000."

Would you like that in small, unmarked bills?
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Strengths: "Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."

Would that be Mozart or Beethoven?
==================================================
Education: "B.A. in Loberal Arts."

Did you minor in ear piercing?
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Cover letter: "I've updated my resume so it's more appalling to employers."

We're pretty shocked already ...
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Cover letter: "Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable."

Glad to hear it.
==================================================
Cover letter: "My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."

At these extremes, some things are best left unsaid.
==================================================
Cover letter: "Experienced in all faucets of accounting."

That should help with the flow of information.
==================================================
Cover letter: "Try me, and you will not regret"

Over the interview table, nothing less. (thank you @anmenon for this)
==================================================

While I don't intend to turn CoD into a forwards-posting zone, I do remember some outrageously hilarious forwards from an era long before Twitter and Facebook. They're all preserved for posterity on various sites on the net, will dig them all out and put the links on a post one day.

I'm still laughing at the stuff above! If you have any more entries for above, tell me, I'll add!

Saturday, February 20, 2010

THE CHEAPSKATE'S GUIDE TO GIG ATTENDING

Over the past few months, ever since I've landed in this dandy little village called Bombay, I've been fortunate enough to attend many a rock concert. Sadly, due to the long association of alcohol with rock music, many of these aforementioned musical events tends to happen at places like Hard Rock Café where a pint of beer will cost you as much as a year's supply of soap. Don't do the math, please.

Now, I'm a skinflint. Unabashedly. Yes, I splurge on gadgets and books. But I'm as cheap as combs in Kerala (#doublepunwin) when useless things like expensive alcohol and eating out are involved. My basic premise being street food tastes as good, and it's all going to end up in the same form. Next time you fork out 650 bucks for a chicken kadai, wait for the next morning and have a good look at the bowl post damage. Doesn't look the price NOW, does it? No sir. Give me my roadside idliwallah where I can stuff my face and walk away only 20 Rupees poorer.

Sadly, the 'metchul' community does not think much of idli-sambhar with rock music. Not even that sexiest of south Indian combos, appam-stew, would be touched with a 666-inch pole if you were in a black tee. No sir. To sink in the meaning of rock music, it must be burgers. Nachos. Fondue. Basically anything that's over 200. Rupees and calories.

Most people succumb to the coolness syndrome and wham! Before you know it, Them Clones are six songs down and you're out by a grand. And while many people don't mind the damage, the rest of us don't have homes at Malabar Hill. Which is why me and a fellow BPL (below party-going line) friend have mastered the art of being a cheapskate at rock concerts. Here are a few rules.

1. Entry fee is okay. Ordering food is a no-no: This may seem stupid, but think about it: You come in just when the band is about to take to stage. Pay entry fee of about 150. Go right up to the mosh pit (or whatever they call it these days) and headbang away. You're far away from tempting menus. And bills.

2. Avoiding entry fee, even better: Most places have this come-before-8-no-entry-fee thing. But bands generally start only by 10. So if you look at your shame-o-meter and see that it's been collecting cobwebs so much that spiders have died of old age inside, you can safely walk in pre-8. After the polite lady with the reservation chart asks you whether you'd like a table for 1, 2, 4 or army, you say, nah, I'll just go up front, she'll understand you're a cheap bastard and chances of getting money out of you for food are as much as getting Chris Martin to score a test double ton. And anyway, the money doesn't go to the band (true story) so it's ethically okay also. Be thankful to the rich kids subsidizing your cheapness.

3. Acting as if you know the member of a band: Nothing works better than this. First, do a MySpace/Reverbnation check for the name of a band member. Pick the most esoteric one. 
Walk in confidently. Look around, and while the polite lady (of previous point fame. Damn, I have to stop doing that) asks you where you'd like to be suckered today, look aghast at the empty stage and say, "What?! They're not here yet?". Then have the following conversation with the polite lady (PL)

You: Wait, is Anish here yet?
PL: Sir...?
You: (exasperated expression) Anish... Anish from the band. Black and Whyte** are playing today, right?
PL: (after consultation with someone who has the schedule) Yes sir... They are... They start at 10...
You: (with an as-if-I-don't-know tone) I know that... But I need to... Oh goddamn guitarists and their @#$ schedules I tell you

At this point, whip out your phone, dial Vodafone customer care and start yelling, "Anish! Aren't you here?!" (move out of the venue for added effect, giving time to PL to think you're some hotshot who not just knows the band but bosses them around. If you're not in formals right after you land at the venue you can even pass of as a band manager). Come back in, still on the phone, throw some big words which you stopped understanding ever since you stopped taking online guitar tutorials like:

"Digitech R90, set the reverb at 30, and a 70s blues pre-amp setting. Got that? Sound here looks okay, but you may have to ask the bassy to turn down the treble, the acoustics here are drastically different from the open air venue... What? Yeah, man got that. Yes, the drums seem to have an extra tom-tom and floor tom. Alright, I'll see you here. I'll be up front. I'll check out the other acoustical aspects right now."

(cut phone, Amit Fernandes from Vodafone customer care would be quite WTF by now anyway)

Look at PL, smile and say "Rockstars!" and mumble something about waiting up front. If offered a menu, give a how-can-I-think-of-drinking-while-I-need-to-do-reco-of-this-place look. They won't bug you again. If you have a camera, then even better. But you need atleast an ultrazoom for this. But don't take notes.

Actually, I've run out of points here. You get the general drift.

Like my co-cheapo said, "Chuck, we can't afford dignity". Well said.

** Fictional band. No resemblance to any band living or dead

Friday, February 19, 2010

FAME OF THIS POST FAME

I had a feeling I was overusing the whole "_ of _ fame" thing a little too much. I mean, read the first few lines of this post.

But any doubts I had, were confirmed when I was chatting with a friend about proper usage of English while typing (hail #Gestypo!) when this happened: 

(Friend): I'm SO prejudiced that when someone who mistypes every third word
wants fraandships with me, I glare them into oblivion. 

Deepak: You glare them into oblivion with what?
: of :) fame?

Sigh.

Sunday, February 07, 2010

BILLBOARD #WIN

Outside Elphinstone Road station, near the Indiabulls Plaza, are a series of slick ads for what is going to be a big-ass high-rise. So the general theme is 'address in the sky', 'sharing space with the Gods', etc.

But the best of the lot is this one. #win!

Friday, February 05, 2010

#CAPTCHAWIN

There is nothing really to say here.
This is what Sahil Rizwan, of previous post fame, got when he attempted to comment on the previous post of this sentence fame. Er. Whatever.

Check this out!
Absolute #Captchawin!

Thursday, February 04, 2010

THANK YOU! NO, REALLY!

In the space of the past five days this simble humble blog of mine crossed 30,000 hits and crossed 100 followers. I never, ever, in my wildest dreams imagined that a hundred people would proactively, on their own volition, choose to follow this blog (being coerced to reading it is one thing, but actually subscribing to it is another!) when I started it out in 2006!

I never even had an aim for it, or anything. I never intended it to be a funny blog - all I wanted to do was record some seemingly mundane activities in my life and tried my best to make them sound interesting, like the first ever post - when our band had a misadventure at a competition.

Things have changed so much from that day, when this blog took form in SKCL Internet Cafe, Ramavarmapuram, Thrissur.

Then: Final year BTech student (Chemical Engineering at that. Heh.)
Now: Internet marketing professional

Then: Knew 4 chords on the guitar
Now: Knows 5 chords on the guitar

Then: Tried desperately to woo a particular person (you know who you are ;) )
Now: Never mind :P

Then: Krish Ashok and Sahil Rizwan hadn't started blogging yet.
Now: They are pretty much Gods.

Then: I had a Nokia 1100 and a Mitashi MP3 player.
Now: I have a Nokia E63 and a Cowon S9 \m/

Then: I was a MICA wannabe.
Now: I'm about to attend my first MICA alumni meet in a week.

Then:
The biggest city I'd been to was Bangalore, and that too for an entrance test
Now: I jump onto Virar fasts when I'm bored

Then: The greatest ODI ever played was between Australia and South Africa, this one
Now: The greatest ODI ever played is still between Australia and South Africa, but this time it's this one

Then: 'Facebook' was a photo album
Now: Facebook is still a photo album, but with quizzes and farm-building games. Also, Orkut is as happening as Axl Rose's career

Then: Minima Black
Now: Some fundoo theme I flicked off somewhere, although a lot of people still liked my old denim template

Ok, I'll stop gassing about now, you might have got the gist of things.

A huge thank you to Mukund Pant, someone I've never really thanked. He was my first ever inspiration to write a blog. Check out his stuff, he has some of the best opinions I've read, and I wish he'd bring out more stuff, more often.

Other people to thank: Anand Ramachandran, I won't lie, I've copied been inspired by his style of writing on more than one occasion (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 times to be exact).

And of  course, to all you people who for some unfathomable reason keep reading this blog. Even that dude from Spain. Yes, Spain. Like Shakira's hips, Google Analytics don't lie.

Senti speech over. Now head over to the Blogroll, there are blogs way better than this one there :P

Hmm, bringing out a Thank You post in 4 years, is like bringing out a Greatest Hits compilation after 2 albums, no? *aah aah aaah achooosavagegardenoooooo*