Saturday, January 30, 2010

HOW I PASSED UP 'THE GREATEST JOB IN THE WORLD'

(and no, this is not about that Australian island thingy)

It was just another ordinary day, one, like Wodehouse put it, where God was in his heaven , and all was right with the world. After the usual amount of hashtags and blog-reading, self-plugging and trying to make presentations, I checked my GMail for the 387th time. And then, saw this.

 

I took in a moment to appreciate the gravity of the situation. I had just been offered a job by Planman Media.
For those of you who seem to vaguely recall what Planman media is, but can't exactly put a finger on that or why I was acting like a indignant Malayalee who just received a paratha instead of a porotta, quickly click this link. Then this one. Now you understand my state of horror. Someone, somewhere, thought I was worthy of being associated with 'The Best BSchool On Earth'. Or the 'Nation's Greatest News Magazine'. Apparently, our ponytailed hero, inspired by a few episodes of Big Bang Theory, no doubt, created a parallel universe for himself, where there exists no Wharton, Kellogg's (not the cereal, dummy), India Today or Frontline. And he wanted me to leave my happy little existence in this dimension, and join his little universe where this trumps this on a Google search.

In anycase, I proceeded to humour the sender, and atleast read the mail. After all, I work in internet media too, and know the joys associated with a single click. What I proceeded to read made me forget the Boseys and Shenoys of the world, I was convinced I'd stumbled upon a piece of incredible hilarity. 

Ok, the mail wasn't THAT bad, but given the context that it was sent to me by the same people who preach us to think beyond them irritating IIMs and their mere crore salaries, it was all too much for me. I couldn't resist dissecting bits of it for the general amusement of the blogosphere, so here goes.

Goodness gracious, I still have that rotting old CV lying around on job sites like Naukri, Monster and, well, 'portal'. 

Okay, looking beyond the bad ASCII conversions, and the fit that this sentence would give the Gestypo, I decided to read on. It was getting better, man, like Oasis told us.
 

Multiple folds, it seems. May I recommend a nice iron-box?
 


This was where I could have done the abused internet exaggeration a favour and actually rolled over the floor laughing. 'Making presentations' was part of the job description. It didn't matter if it was a takeover proposal for a multinational client, or The graphical representation and analysis of reproductive biological functions. I just had to make presentations. I also had to steal underwear from clients, as you can see. But the best part was, understanding the services. So all I needed to do was read a few mission statements and what the division offers, and I'd achieved 1/7th of my goals. Woohoo. This was by far the most hilarious job description I've ever read.


No doubt, some genius must have realised that if the VP of HR was in charge of human resource management, everyone under that person must be a human resource. Makes sense only, no? I mean, under disk management in Windows, you don't expect to find Somalian newts, do you?
This made my day. I achieved as much fun as JamMAG did, I'm sure, when they ripped the institute's advertising claims to nanoshreds. Now if I can only get some Ai-Yai-Pee-Yem fanboy hate mail, I'll become famous.

As for now, time to go and get my CV off 'portal'.

Monday, January 11, 2010

YAY!

Now to do a clever self-promotion for myself, under the guise of promoting one of my favourite websites.

FlyYouFools is this kickass website that uses stock images and clever Photoshopping to come out with some brilliant comics that talk about Indian life and it's irritations.

If you haven't heard of FlyYouFools, I suggest you stop wasting time on this blog, remove your Chronicles of Dementia fanboy teeshirt, and head over to www.flyyoufools.com, and prepare to laugh your ass off, or as my friend Martin would put it, OCSL.

Oh, and I won one of the prizes (alright, alright, I came in 5th) in a contest they put up on the site. Check out my entry and the others here!

Tuesday, January 05, 2010

THE CIRCA SERIES PART 1: GOOGLE

Circa 1997:

Sergei: We've built this nice search engine, good work!
Larry: What the fuck do we name this thing?
Sergei: Good point... Wait I have an idea. Let's register the domain and see what word verification we get on Captcha
Larry: Eh. Ok, I got Goo76t
Sergei: And I got ft5gle
Larry: Now what?
Sergei: Let's combine the two... And call it... Goo-gle! Google!
Larry: Fuckin' kickass!
Sergei: Yeah man! In a few years people will be saying 'let's go to Google and search for stuff'
Larry: Hahahaha, yeah!
Sergei: Imagine, Yahoo! and MSN will suddenly say who the eff is this little kid on the block?
Larry: Hahaha! Dude, you're too much.
Sergei: That's not all man, imagine after we become billionaires, we'll start diversifying - that email thing, we'll have something like that. And I always wanted a better version of ICQ. And oooh, maybe one day we can tap satellites and provide people like a desktop globe where they can zoom and see their homes!
Larry: Fuckin' crazy mind you have man, something like that can get you arrested maybe! Hahaha! But dude, please focus. Stop thinking about where you're going to place the office of this... What did you call it? Google - and finish the contents page of the project report.
Sergei: I can see it now - Google Talk. Google Earth.Google Documents. Google Wave.
Larry: Wave? What the eff is that?
Sergei: I dunno, but it sounds cool, maybe one day we'll figure out.
Larry: Nutter you are, man.
Sergei: But yes, we'll have a kickass company and all, and allow employees to lounge on beanbags.
Larry: What an idea, Sergei.

PSes:
1. Mihir Modi for inspiring this post with this post.
2. Flyyoufools, India's finest webcomic, from whom I stole that last line from this comic.
3. The world is still figuring out what Wave is all about!

Monday, January 04, 2010

HAPPY FREQUENCY YEAR

I'm sure all engineers get that ;)

Something from Twitter to kick off this decade:

chuck_gopal: Cricket update from Vodafone used 'Mohammad Ashraful' & 'mature innings' in the same sentence. Never thought I'd see that happen.

notytony: Mature can also be "Obtuse" if you use T9..

:P

This mini-post is dedicated to an amazing chaliyan, NIT-wit, cruciverbalist and person who introduced me to Twitter: Everyone's favourite Oracle engineer, Tony Sebastian!