Monday, November 08, 2010


(Another tribute to Anand Ramachandran, whose style I'm shamelessly copying once again)

Shockwaves were sent around the cricket world as the Pakistan cricket team set another record by losing a match that didn't involve them. The 5th ODI between Australia and South Africa, played at Adelaide was heading towards a dull result, when the match referee, Aleem Dar, got onto the field and declared the match over, and Pakistan the losers.

"This is outrageous! The match was ours to lose! What nerve of these meddlesome Pakistanis to come and snatch defeat from the jaws of, er, defeat!", fumed a visibly shaken Michael Clarke, disappointed at not being able to extend Australia's losing streak to 41.

When questioned about his decision, Dar said that the match was getting way too dull and some life needed to be infused. "Also, I'm getting tired of all this every-time-there's-match-fixing-on-onus-is-on-Australia-and-India-to-revive-world-cricket nonsense. It's about time Pakistan got back its hard earned title of most controversial and unpredictable cricketing nation in the world."

Dar might not be speaking off the top of his head here. Concerted efforts have been made by the Pakistan cricket administration to regain this title. For instance, young Hamid Arafat of the U19 team conceded a six off a wide while bowling against the Holland XI. The Progressive Lahore Athletics and Hurdles Association became the first team in the history of recorded cricket to lose 24 wickets in a single innings. And in real news, of course, Pakistan conceded 48 runs off the last over to lose a match.

Reactions, as expected, have been varied.

"This is hilarious! With Pakistan cricket, who needs Faking News?" sniggered a gentleman on Twitter, known to his legions of fans as 'Gradwolf', causing owner of said website to shift uncomfortably in his chair.

"Remember the ball that Afridi bit? They used it in a cricket match and the ball broke into two before crossing the boundary. 12 runs.", remarked fraud Mallu Vivek Krishna, causing many to find merit in the rumour that Rajnikanth could be coaching the Pakistan side.

Players themselves aren't too amused.

"I wake up one morning and find that our team has lost a match we ain't even played? I mean, what's the sense being penalised for something you haven't even done?", remarked captain Misbah-ul-Haq, only waiting to be told the news that he was sacked as Pakistan captain.

South African skipper Graeme Smith was apprehensive. "I mean, it's nice and all for excitement, but it causes a bit of worry, doesn't it? I mean, just think. You'd be playing against India, but you'd be more worried about being eliminated from a NZ-Zim-Papua New Guinea tri-series. Or the Ashes. Or the 2038 World Cup. Or even the 4065 Decathalon in the Olympics."

AB de Villiers was too busy convincing people that he was not @ABVan to reply to our queries.


hari said...

Haha... great job.

It's so difficult to imitate somebody's style but to do it successfully is an artform.


Anonymous said...

You seems to be real loser!!

Its just some difficult times faced by a great cricketing nation which has time and again defeated the Indians..

Grow up and have a life

Deepak Gopalakrishnan said...

Ah, yes. Just a few corrections.

You seem to be real loser!!

These are just some difficult times faced by a great cricketing nation which has time and again defeated the Indians.

Grow up and get a life.

HVR said...

^^ Epic :D

Anonymous said...

Ok thanks for the corrections..

I am not here to show my language proficiency.. Just wanted to make few points.. that u must ponder upon..

All in good spirit dude :)

Deepak Gopalakrishnan said...

I love a good sport. All in good spirit, like you said, Anon. Satire is just meant to poke fun at random happenings. Whenever I write about cricket, I more often than not take the case of my own country - especially a certain Santakumaran Sreesanth.

I will be the first to acknowledge Pakistan's contribution to world cricket. They have a +50% success ratio against India in both forms of the game. Plus, Wasim Akram is probably my all-time favourite cricketer.

Peace, and all that from across the border! \m/