Yes, it's Onam again. It's that time of the year when fraud Mallus hunt for their lungis, everyone wants to eat off a banana leaf, everyone tries to learn to say 'Onashamsakhal' and most importantly, stops poking fun at Sreesanth.
However, while all these festivities are happening, now would not be a bad time to get a few messages across to the rest of the country. From all us Mallus.
1. It's not pronounced Kozhi-kode. Really. I know, the 'zh' might make you think otherwise. But it's really not that way. Here's a simple step-by-step procedure on how to pronounce this place right.
Step 1: Say 'co' as in 'cogent'
Step 2: Say 'ri' as in how an American would say 'Rick'. Yes, rolled tongue and all.
Step 3: Say 'code' as in 'The da Vinci Code'
Step 4: Put them all together.
There you go. See, that wasn't too tough, was it? Just a bit of practice and you'll be mastering everything here in no time.
2. Porotta and paratha are not #sameguy. Really. Parathas are what you get in Punjab. They go well with lassi. And are usually stuffed with anything from aalo to eggs. Porottas on the other hand, are delightful gobs of good ol' maida beaten up.
3. We hate Sreesanth just as much as you do.
4. Typical conversation when meeting a TamBrahm from Kerala:
X: Wait, you said you're TamBrahm
X: But then how come you're Mallu?
Ok - this is simple. Long, long back, a bunch of TamBrahms from this place called Tanjore in Tamil Nadu migrated to Kerala (to protect themselves from the war is the stated reason, I think it was because of the low supply of alcohol. Heh) and set shop there, in a district called Palakkad. Basically all Mallu TamBrahms originate from here. See, simple, no? Mallu by geography, Tam by lineage.
5. If you see a Mallu engineer, say the words 'PC Thomas' and watch him quiver in his boots.
6. You guys have no idea how much we laugh over the name Kundan Shah. Heehee.
7. Yes, we hate Silsila also, and if we can get our hands on the fucktard who made the thing, we'd kill him.
8. If Newton were a Mallu, a lot of school kids would be spared the 'Gravity' chapter in their physics textbooks.
9. Malayalam is complicated alright. Depending on how you pronounce the 'r', 'poori' is either a delicious breakfast item or an abuse. If you're in a seedy little restaurant in Kasargode, stick to ordering dosas if you don't have Mallu company.
10. Dubai is basically an annexe of Kerala. It could also be the other way round. So while scientists have solved the chicken-egg mystery, they're working on a new one now.
11. In Mallu slang, 'rocket' and 'masturbate' have the same word. Really. It would have been amusing if this movie were to be translated into Mallu, no?
Okay, that's enough. Have a kickass Onam and a great sadhya!
PS: Some hilarity was had around Vishu as well, here.