Sunday, August 22, 2010


Yes, it's Onam again. It's that time of the year when fraud Mallus hunt for their lungis, everyone wants to eat off a banana leaf, everyone tries to learn to say 'Onashamsakhal' and most importantly, stops poking fun at Sreesanth.

However, while all these festivities are happening, now would not be a bad time to get a few messages across to the rest of the country. From all us Mallus.

1. It's not pronounced Kozhi-kode. Really. I know, the 'zh' might make you think otherwise. But it's really not that way. Here's a simple step-by-step procedure on how to pronounce this place right.

Step 1: Say 'co' as in 'cogent'
Step 2: Say 'ri' as in how an American would say 'Rick'. Yes, rolled tongue and all.
Step 3: Say 'code' as in 'The da Vinci Code'
Step 4: Put them all together.

There you go. See, that wasn't too tough, was it? Just a bit of practice and you'll be mastering everything here in no time.

2. Porotta and paratha are not #sameguy. Really. Parathas are what you get in Punjab. They go well with lassi. And are usually stuffed with anything from aalo to eggs. Porottas on the other hand, are delightful gobs of good ol' maida beaten up.

3. We hate Sreesanth just as much as you do.

4. Typical conversation when meeting a TamBrahm from Kerala:
X: Wait, you said you're TamBrahm
Y: Correct
X: But then how come you're Mallu?
Y: *groan*

Ok - this is simple. Long, long back, a bunch of TamBrahms from this place called Tanjore in Tamil Nadu migrated to Kerala (to protect themselves from the war is the stated reason, I think it was because of the low supply of alcohol. Heh) and set shop there, in a district called Palakkad. Basically all Mallu TamBrahms originate from here. See, simple, no? Mallu by geography, Tam by lineage.

5. If you see a Mallu engineer, say the words 'PC Thomas' and watch him quiver in his boots.

6. You guys have no idea how much we laugh over the name Kundan Shah. Heehee.

7. Yes, we hate Silsila also, and if we can get our hands on the fucktard who made the thing, we'd kill him.

8. If Newton were a Mallu, a lot of school kids would be spared the 'Gravity' chapter in their physics textbooks.

9. Malayalam is complicated alright. Depending on how you pronounce the 'r', 'poori' is either a delicious breakfast item or an abuse. If you're in a seedy little restaurant in Kasargode, stick to ordering dosas if you don't have Mallu company.

10. Dubai is basically an annexe of Kerala. It could also be the other way round. So while scientists have solved the chicken-egg mystery, they're working on a new one now.

11. In Mallu slang, 'rocket' and 'masturbate' have the same word. Really. It would have been amusing if this movie were to be translated into Mallu, no?

Okay, that's enough. Have a kickass Onam and a great sadhya!

PS: Some hilarity was had around Vishu as well, here.


Tastemaster said...


Varun said...

nice post! , couldn't get the joke on 8 though :(
Happy Onam.

Tastemaster said...

I didn't get the Gravity thing either. Also, there's a real name called Myresh which will crack up all Mallus.

Anita :) said...

Nice one. Me too dint get the point 8.
Happy Onam.. :)

satish said...

Nice post Bro.


Marthanda Varma said...

I have lived in Chennai for 10 years and become fairly fluent in Tamil, but I still feel a bit uncomfortable when I use the Tamil word for "do".

arocks said...

My attempt at unraveling the mystery of Joke 8.

If Newton was a mallu, he would have been sitting under a Jackfruit tree (Plaavu). By the time the fruit fell, Newton would have been history

Achilles said...

an amazing write.. But I would suggest not reading it in office.. U dont want to get caught laughing out suddenly in office :)

Anil Nair said...

this is superb stuff....awesome

Deepak Gopalakrishnan said...

Thanks, folks :) Glad you enjoyed it, hope you had a superb Onam!

And yeah - the mystery of #8 was a coconut falling on the head (chakka also comes close).

Anand said...

A piece of observation....only us mallus say "dosha"..the rest of the world seems to prefer saying "dosa"...I succesfully estimated that a waiter in a hotel on the mumbai-goa highway was mallu using this "method" :)

Spaz Kumari said...

yuvaar palakkad boy! (and in the hoary tradition of all palakkad boys, neither tam nor mallu but forever claiming to be both. :P )

and actually i loved silsila. what to say. :)

also, i did not understand point 8.

milcom said...


The Tambrahm conversation part is so true. The problem with me, however is that my mom is from Kannur and my dad is from Trivandrum. So, I have an extra tough time explaining that their ancestors(great great grandfathers) moved in from Tamil Nadu to other parts of Kerala as well. :S

Deepak Gopalakrishnan said...

@Anand: I hear you. Also, rest of the world, it's sam-baar. Not sam-bur!

@Spaz: Read above comments :)

@Milcom: Ours is but an ardous genealogocial journey, my friend.

Rejil Krishnan said...

Is the Lungi mention purposely done because fraud mallus take the 'Mundu' and say - 'please help me with this Lungi !' ?

Very well written ! :)

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Anonymous said...

Have been in Kerala only once and I can honestly say, I have experienced almost all of what you have penned down up there!

Just to add, my mallu colleagues greet me with a Hello of the kind - 'ha' as you say HAT, 'lo' as you say 'low'. Is it how the rest of Kerala pronounces it?

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