Tuesday, March 16, 2010

THE FINE ART OF PJ-ING - PART ONE

It was sometime in the summer of '03 that I discovered that I had a penchant for creating PJs. Actually, sometime I should tell you that story. It's quite interesting, and one that has frequently been exchanged with friends over some refreshing alcoholic beverage.

Anyhoo. I realised that if I was ever going to famous/notorious, then PJs are pretty much the only thing I could bank on. I know. When you compare the following reactions:
  • "Oh wow, another six! This guy is just magnificent! What a player!"
  • "He plays the guitar sooooooooo well! Marry me!"
  • "Wow. 92% again! What a genius!"
  • "Grrrrrrrrrrrrroan... Get lost, you idiot! Always making stupid jokes!"
 The last mentioned doesn't really match up. But what the heck. The only cricket I was good at was memorizing stats. The less said about my musical adventures, the better. And I had as much a penchant for engineering as Mandira Bedi has for thermonuclear physics. So PJs it would have to be then.

I surprised myself, being able to churn them out with annoying frequency. Also, thanks to the munificence of telecom operators, SMSes were largely free. And those forward-happy days, noone minded getting a few jokes in their inbox as well. Malayalam and English connived well to provide a few intra-lingual jokes too. Good times.

But why on earth am I ranting here about my life story here? This was supposed to be a course in the fine art of creating and delivering PJs, no?

Wait, wait, I can hear you screaming. What credentials do I have to teach you about the noble art of PJing, I can hear you and your angry picket-sign-adorned mob bellowing. You're right.
But you should probably just trust me when I say I have a knack for PJs. I know this is a highly immodest claim, but I did start the PJ thread on Pagalguy (it's sadly gone from being a groan haven to a forwardzzz thread now) and people have issued death threats after my sniglets. Oh look, here's one now, conveniently.

Which brings me to the dangers of PJing. It's not an occupation for the faint-hearted. The talentless, ugly, unathletic, jobless (I think I've got the credentials bit down pat now), perhaps. But delivering PJs is often wrought with death threats, being on the receiving end of the trajectory of various blunt objects and general abuse. So, learn your skill well, young apprentice. But let the dangers be known to you. A good life insurance policy would not be a bad idea.

Alright.

Chapter one: Deconstructing words.

The easiest and laziest way to make a PJ is to deconstruct a word. Let me give you an example. Look around you, spot any object. I see a bottle of Garnier (totally at random, I promise). Break up the word: Gar-nier. Gar-near. There you go, you've found the word 'near' within' Garnier'.

Now you need to make a possible PJ out of it. What's the opposite of near? Far. So, Gar-far needs to be the answer. So now you need a suitable question. Which could be: Which shampoo is never close to you? Ans: Gar-far.

(I know, that sucked, but it was just an example)

Let's try another one. I see my bean bag. Now there are more possibilities here. Search for alternate meanings for 'bean' or 'bag'. Hence, you can come up with the following:

Q: Where does Rowan Atkinson sit?
A: On his Bean bag.

Q: Which famous Mumbai-graffiti-advertising company sponsored the annual marathon of rajmas?
A: Bean Bhaag

You see? It's very simple. And yet, very powerful.
It gets even better with longer words. For example:

Q: What do you call it when your female sibling swallows a roll of Kodak?
A: Photos In The Sis.

Such big words are generally found in two major places:
1. Engineering colleges
2. Management schools

Which is why majority of your PJ artists tend to be engineer-turned-MBAs. Really.

Ok, I'm going to dwell on only that one lesson today.
So, children. Today's homework. For the next one week, carry out this exercise 3 times a day. For the first two days, just say it to yourself. And if you find it amusing enough, message it to 3 close friends. Trust me, message them. As much as you might feel the urge, don't tell it to them on their faces. They need to get used to the fact that their erstwhile normal friend starts cracking PJs. You'll know what I mean when you see their reaction for the first time. In a few lessons, we'll deal with possible reactions to PJs, and what speed you should be running away at.

Class dissmissed.

18 comments:

Ramaa said...

hahahah :D

Rajiv Srivatsa said...

i do agree about the engineering + mba types making good pjs... combination of anal-ytical and nut-working s-kills :D

Deepak Gopalakrishnan said...

My heart is filled with such pride when I see my students taking my teachings and applying them practically.

You shall go far, my son. Very far.

Oh and Ramaa: Thanks :D

Tarun said...

hey chuck...
even i agree to the engg.+ mba types bit...

and let me tell u, u hav found a worthy successor here at mica.

there is someone who receives equal no. of death threats daily for his PJs, in the current batch

and that someone is I.

i_r_squared said...

We should form a Groaner Club and elect a president.

You know, PJ Abdul Kalam.

g said...

What better way to please a teacher than apply his instruction?

Chuck: go, pal!!

(No no, not in the you go dude! sense. I mean literally. Po da! :P)

g

PS: In case you wonder, this single-handedly beats the boundary, guitar and 92% put together ;)

pri said...

hehe.. awesome post dude! :)

Lekhu said...

Little did we know you actually took up PJ-ing so seriously;else we would have...Nice post for beginners...

Guttu said...

I will kill you using PJ Bomb..

Slym said...

Will seriously consider your ASS-In-Mint and then get back to you!

kal said...

good one! are you single? do these skills help in womanagement, or ladki-lling?

Deepak Gopalakrishnan said...

@Tarun: Wah! Wah! :D

@r: Expected nothing less from you. But you're still divine.

@g3: How many times have I heard the gopal joke :) I've also been subject to milk jokes. You can figure it out.

@Pri: Thanks di :)

@Lekhu: Shyte. I've been writing for 4 years now :(

@Guttu: Please do!

@Slym: Your submission is awaited.

@Kal: Haha. PJs actually scare the ladies away. I'm as single as running from one end of the 22 yards to the other.

Karan said...

Stop giving out our trade secrets for mere fame. You know, Bruce Lee died for the same reason (it's a true story, really!)

Anyway, the point is, don't tempt me.

Nandhini said...

*takes notes* *works on PJ with endoplasmic reticulum as the answer* Wish me luck, guru! :D

Deepak Gopalakrishnan said...

The first thing you could come up with was endoplasmic reticulum?

I'm scared to ask what your hobbies are.

fartingpen said...

Q: What would you call a BeanBag that Yukozuna - yes, the WWE superstar from Japan but actually from hollywood Yukozuna - sat on?

A: Been Bag.

buzzzzzzzzz... said...

photos in d sis!!!
lolzie...

neelanjana said...

Here's one I made months ago.
Why should one never drink water while concentrating real hard?
.
.
.
.
.
.
Because H2O dilutes the concentration
Sorry! Couldn't resist myself.
Prithvi-fodu blog!! :)