Saturday, January 30, 2010

HOW I PASSED UP 'THE GREATEST JOB IN THE WORLD'

(and no, this is not about that Australian island thingy)

It was just another ordinary day, one, like Wodehouse put it, where God was in his heaven , and all was right with the world. After the usual amount of hashtags and blog-reading, self-plugging and trying to make presentations, I checked my GMail for the 387th time. And then, saw this.

 

I took in a moment to appreciate the gravity of the situation. I had just been offered a job by Planman Media.
For those of you who seem to vaguely recall what Planman media is, but can't exactly put a finger on that or why I was acting like a indignant Malayalee who just received a paratha instead of a porotta, quickly click this link. Then this one. Now you understand my state of horror. Someone, somewhere, thought I was worthy of being associated with 'The Best BSchool On Earth'. Or the 'Nation's Greatest News Magazine'. Apparently, our ponytailed hero, inspired by a few episodes of Big Bang Theory, no doubt, created a parallel universe for himself, where there exists no Wharton, Kellogg's (not the cereal, dummy), India Today or Frontline. And he wanted me to leave my happy little existence in this dimension, and join his little universe where this trumps this on a Google search.

In anycase, I proceeded to humour the sender, and atleast read the mail. After all, I work in internet media too, and know the joys associated with a single click. What I proceeded to read made me forget the Boseys and Shenoys of the world, I was convinced I'd stumbled upon a piece of incredible hilarity. 

Ok, the mail wasn't THAT bad, but given the context that it was sent to me by the same people who preach us to think beyond them irritating IIMs and their mere crore salaries, it was all too much for me. I couldn't resist dissecting bits of it for the general amusement of the blogosphere, so here goes.

Goodness gracious, I still have that rotting old CV lying around on job sites like Naukri, Monster and, well, 'portal'. 

Okay, looking beyond the bad ASCII conversions, and the fit that this sentence would give the Gestypo, I decided to read on. It was getting better, man, like Oasis told us.
 

Multiple folds, it seems. May I recommend a nice iron-box?
 


This was where I could have done the abused internet exaggeration a favour and actually rolled over the floor laughing. 'Making presentations' was part of the job description. It didn't matter if it was a takeover proposal for a multinational client, or The graphical representation and analysis of reproductive biological functions. I just had to make presentations. I also had to steal underwear from clients, as you can see. But the best part was, understanding the services. So all I needed to do was read a few mission statements and what the division offers, and I'd achieved 1/7th of my goals. Woohoo. This was by far the most hilarious job description I've ever read.


No doubt, some genius must have realised that if the VP of HR was in charge of human resource management, everyone under that person must be a human resource. Makes sense only, no? I mean, under disk management in Windows, you don't expect to find Somalian newts, do you?
This made my day. I achieved as much fun as JamMAG did, I'm sure, when they ripped the institute's advertising claims to nanoshreds. Now if I can only get some Ai-Yai-Pee-Yem fanboy hate mail, I'll become famous.

As for now, time to go and get my CV off 'portal'.

19 comments:

Sid said...

How many sites do they have? iipm-dot-edu, iipm-iipm-dot-ind-dot-in, etc.

And who is that dude in one of those links you gave? Seriously, you seem overwhelmed by this whole thing :)

Deepak Gopalakrishnan said...

Hehe, you mean Vishal? That's an inside joke ;D

Cow-Herd said...

Didn't we actually literally roll on the floor laughing? I was too high from all that alcohol to remember coherently :) But dude, am sober now, and it is still funny :D

Atrisa said...

Omg died laughing :D Hey, I heard they pay well. Besides, you would be the shining star at the place. Think about it ;)

Hey, I like the new template :D

NotFunnyNotFamous said...

I think they are serious about the 'Understanding our services' clause. Given the manner in which this email is framed, I guess 'understanding' anything they say will be a huge challenge.

Haresh said...

I hope they realize their mistake and don't send you any mails anymore ;-)

gayathri said...

rofl

Jack Personified! said...

Great post! So dint u reply to the underwear stealing job to get the full fun? You could have made this blog into 5-6 episodes.......Mockingly wonderful!!!!Hope i dont get to hear that u got beaten up at Bandra! :) Dey have real cash .........I wonder how much they paid shah rukh khan for their upcoming quiz.......

Aphron said...

Oh!! Dont miss out on working for such a Great Magazine...Its so great that I neva heard of it!! You are also missing the chance of Discovering the Diamond in you!! You should consider it!!

Xanthipe said...

Mocking bird catches the worm yet again ;-)

Anonymous said...

They must have been watching you count your chicken before they hatched. I don't mean they when I say they but the chicken.

Thats how you got this really tough one in your mailbox.

And oh yes, do you have a pony?

Vineet said...

haha .. Human Resource part was the best :)
your post made me search my inbox for one such mail which said (actually asked)
"ARE YOU A FRESHER MAKE YOUR CARREER IN DIPLOMA IN HR AND INTERIOR DESIGN?"

ever heard of such a dual diploma ?

Deepak Gopalakrishnan said...

@Arjun: We all do funny things when under the influence of alcoholic beverage ;)

@Atrisa: Thanks for the template feedback, this is actually temporary. Planning to make something self-drawn. I wouldn't take up Planman if they say they pay well also. Remember, IIPM is the best BSchool on Earth :P

@Tantanoo: Haha, makes sense!

@Haresh: I hope they do. Makes for more amusing posts. Waiting for some IIPM hatemail actually.

@Jack: Thanks man! And yeah, PM has more money than SRT has runs. Sigh.

@Aphron: Hahaha, Diamond in You! Should have plugged that in the post. Shiny cover and all. Crap, it'll become best seller also.

@Xanthipe: :P

@Anon: Pony?

@Naiq: Haha, are you serious! Dual degree in HR and Interior Designing?!

Vishal said...

Now look what you've gone and done. My twitter page must have gotten more views over the last 2 days than it ever has. This is surely a mistake. Perhaps you referred to the wrong page. Allow me to redirect you. God has left a forwarding address, so this is the one you're looking for : http://twitter.com/i_r_squared

For a more "The Hindu"-esque sign-off, "It is my understanding that you will kindly do the needful and oblige. Kudos to you on your successful rejection and public vilification of the fraudsters."

Ramaa said...

Oh, Godddd, Chuck! I DIED laughing! :D Multiple folds, it seems. May I suggest a nice iron box? :D :D Starting there till the end. Good Lord (wipes tears from laughing). AND- you forgot the most important part of the JD - Achieving Targets. Just that- achieving targets. :D Astonishing... :D :D Ever achieved targets before??? :D

Dual degree in HR & Interior Designing? OGOD! :D Why am I wasting time in PMIR?? :D :D I feel high from all the laughing... goodness...

Layman said...

Arindam uncle l burn ur company's laptops :D

Juggler said...

Oh come on! You should have taken this job. Imagine the multiple folds of progress in your career you just missed out on :-)

Neel said...

In fact you have already achieved 3/7 (first 2 points & 2nd last) + {3/7}*{1/7}(last point) i.e. 24/49 which is 48.97 % of the target...oowooowww..just awesome. Great man.... U sud have closed your fist. I think U can do remarkably good :P. Haha sexy

Deepak Gopalakrishnan said...

@Vishal: No chance macha!

@Ramaa: PMIR? So 20th century. Tsk tsk.

@Layman: Hahah!

@Juggler: A career that would have no doubt ended with me selling pencils on the street :P

@Neel: *facepalm*