Saturday, March 21, 2009

AMALTAS TIMES : METALLICA TO OPEN FOR MINUS ONE

In an event that could make shockwaves across the music fraternity, pioneering American heavy metal band Metallica are all set to open for the Shela-based rock-pop-classical group, Minus One.

The news came during a press meet by Metallica frontman, James Hetfield. "I've heard these guys when they opened for Zero and Parikrama, and I must tell you, they absolutely blew my mind away! And then I went back to the guys and told them that we have to open for them someday!"

The news comes as a revelation since Minus One's performances have largely been limited to Shela, the metropolis where the band resides, and attendance has been ensured only by force. "Arggh... Not another Minus One performance... Nahiiiiiiiiiiiiiii...", remarks noted music critic and Carnatic classical vocalist Vidyashankar Srinivasan, momentarily forgetting that he is the manager of the band in advisement (er, Minus One, not Metallica).

Obviously, industry experts are shocked at this revelation. "I think this is an unhealthy thing to do. Imagine what will happen now. Metallica opening for some college band in India... What's next? Iron Maiden opening for a local choir in Burkina Faso?", says leading hard rock band Gun 'n' Roses vocalist Axl Rose, before going off to spend the next twenty-nine years planning for the next GnR album.

According to insiders, Hetfield was not in full control of his senses when he made the decision. "Metallica are known for their drinking, and surely, were under the influence of alcoholic liquor when this decision was taken.", remarks an industry expert who spoke on conditions of anonymity. This claim was refuted by Nishant Tyagi, member of notorious smuggling group... Er, committee incharge of on-campus entertainment, Team Trinetra. Says Tyagi, "What nonsense. Everyone knows Gujarat is a dry state.", only to be mocked at by a recent visiting faculty.

His Holiness The Hostel Coordinator of Amaltas, Sir Doctor Sri Sri Varun Paramanand Singh was typically lucid in his reaction. "What the dash yaar! More noise yaar... Someone tell them to stop yaar!"

The band members themselves are non-plussed. "Metallica or Shela Warriors, it doesn't matter who opens for us. We're going to screw up anyway.", says guitarist and mind therapist Prateek Dubey. Gaurav Chatterji, band keyboardist, tabalchi, pianist and part vocalist remarked, "It really doesn't matter who opens for us. What is important is that we perform well without anything going wrong", before running off to find a replacement adaptor for his keyboard.

Pawar Ajinkya Mukund, noteed left-handed guitarist and 'Yellow Submarine' singer remarked, "Oh shit, these guys, yet again. They don't know their F majors from their tenors, or their tremolos from their harmonicas", before realising he was a freelance insect photographer and went off in the general direction of the mess to find some more rare species of bloated chlamydamonas.

Anshul Duggal, band drummer and lyricist and says, "We're still considering Metallica's request. We will revert to all at the appropriate time", before an irritating ringtone forced him to cut short. The vocalist was unavailable for comment since he/she was too busy being fired from the band. "No no", clarifies Chatterji. "We never fired anyone... We're just trying to find the right sound..." before postponing practice for yet another date with a participant of the latest course started on campus.

And lastly, Chuck was too busy for comment since he was too busy writing this article.

:P

Sunday, March 15, 2009

AMALTAS TIMES: MICA WINS TOURIST RESORT OF THE YEAR AWARD

In a stunning result, the Shela-based Mudra Institute of Communications, Ahmedabad has won the best Tourist Resort in India award, beating stiff competition from prominent locales such as Nainithal, Darjeeling, Ooty and Gobichettipalayam.

The award, instituted by the Travel Welfare Association of India, took a poll among 300 respondents who are well-travelled and have visited atleast 5 of the 6 destinations which were finalised.

"It's amazing. There's nothing like this place. Serene, calm, quiet, green... Ah!", remarked noted traveller and landscape critic, Kasturee Kailash.

"There are all sorts of things here to click... I mean, there are bugs I know, bugs I don't, red bugs, green bugs, white bugs, wooohoooo!", remarked freelance insect photographer Ajinkya Mukund Pawar... Er, Pawar Mukund Ajinkya... Er... Whatever.

MICAravan, the committee at MICA dedicated to promoting the institute as a tourist destination, has been beefing up activities over the last couple of years to make the insitute feature in lists across the country. "Every week, we make sure there are atleast 2 groups of people visiting the campus. They could be poor schoolkids who have no idea what's happening, they could be village kids who're happy just to get out of the classrooms, they could be chick-starved engineering college males, they could be aspirants, and of course, students of some course that MICA starts which is not residential, so students know first-hand what they're missing out on! It's excellent, we have tourist guides and all!", says a spokesperson for MICAravan, speaking on conditions of anonymity.

However, the awarding is not without criticism. "No, no, no... Let me make my point! How on earth can an educational institution be given an award for tourism? That's... So ridiculous! It's unfair to give places where education happen an award like this!", remarks critic of everything, Indranil Goswami, before going off to make another marketing model on his computer.

When contacted for comment, His Holiness the Hostel Coordinator of Amaltas, Sir Doctor Sri Sri Varun Paramanand Singh could only comment, "What the dash yaar? People are coming everyday, yaar. Why are they going to the library? Hey this is not done yaar!", kicking his door in anguish.

If inside sources are to be believed, MICA plans to build overhead chair cars and swimming pools to cater to the clientele. We shall keep reporting.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

AMALTAS TIMES: PIZZA EATERIES IN AHMEDABAD TO SHUT SHOP

In an alarming decision by marketing managers of major Pizza retail outlets such as Domino's Pizza and Papa John's, which is sure to have Pizza connoiseurs in Ahmedabad reeling and angry, these outlets are all set to shut shop in the city from April onwards.

The decision was made public in a joint press meeting, which lasted only 5 minutes and offered no explanation as to why such a decision was being made. Initially, people believed that this was part of the agenda by the Shiv Sena, Ram Sena and other such Senae, and this led to widespread agitation against such extremist organizations. Ardent blogger and pizza fan Rishabh Shah started an Orkut community called 'The consortium of forward-going, hehe-saying pizza lovers' on Orkut which threatened to send Jalpenos and Mozarella to extremist Pramod Muthalik on World Food Day.

However, this madness was ill-aimed, as Muthalik and his goons were not responsible for this. "We're not responsible for this pizza mess! All we were doing is beating up some girls in Gobichettipalayam because they were wearing an English-sounding brand of saris! I don't even know what a pizza is!" claims Muthalik.

The real reason for the closure of the pizzerias was the departure of noted pizza aficionado Vidyashankar Srinivasan from the MICA campus. "Vids was responsible for 58% of our turnover. Without him, we'd be lucky to break even. ", says marketing manager of Papa John's Ahmedabad and part-time Gujarati poet, George Bernard Shah.

"What da I have a job da I can't stay in Ahmedabad anymore da. Ah-thoo!", remarked Srinivasan when contacted by this publication.

In a related incident, Smokin' Joe's pizza has started all operations in which Tata Teleservices has an office.

AMALTAS TIMES: Missing cats scam busted

In a shocking development which has put the entire stockbroking community under the scanner, Raghu P Vamsi, the president and founder of the Raghu Vamsi Girlfriend Association (not listed) has confessed to hoarding cats which has led to discrepancies in the number of felines on campus.

The confession came in a press meet hosted by Team Interface (the media relations and PR wing of MICA) in the presence of His Holiness the Hostel Coordinator of Amaltas Hostel, Sir Doctor Sri Sri Varun Paramanand Singh. Vamsi admitted here to the audience that he has been involved in the hoarding of cats since the second year at MICA. He further revealed that this was done inorder to fuel his relative's desires to open a pet shop in a district in Andhra Pradesh, where cats are highly valued.

Industry experts are drawing into this conclusion to explain why Vamsi was largely absent for the first half of the first year. "We believe that Vamsi arrived at MICA with the intent of finding as many animals as he could to send back to Andhra Pradesh.", explains His Holiness the Hostel Coordinator of Amaltas Hostel, Sir Doctor Sri Sri Varun Paramanand Singh. An investigation by this publication confirms this suspicion, as there has been an absurdly large number of airline tickets booked between Ahmedabad and Hyderabad during this time period, all under the names of different Golti-sounding names like Reddy Ornothereicome, Theattackofthebritish Raj, VVS Laxmandelu, Ramakant Butlaxmancan, Putyourfoodinyourmouthand Gentlychew and SS Ramalinga Raju - leading to the fact that Vamsi might indeed be operating with multiple fake passports.

The scandal is a big blow to the pet-retail business, which has now totally come under suspicion. There are doubts that other stores operating out of prominent South Indian cities like Bangalore, Chennai, Kochi and Gobichettipalayam source their pets illegally from other picturesque campuses such as IIT Bombay, MDI Gurgaon and IIM Ahmedabad. The latter has always been suspected ever since a store in Chennai proclaimed that 'These special cats can be sold to only the 99.95th percentile of buyers'.

Vamsi will currently be kept under detention, and he has been suspected to have said to his captors 'I accept my crime and subject myself to the laws of the land'. He handed over three twin kittens, allegedly named Glen, Mark and Pharma, to the Amaltas Hostel administration.

AMALTAS TIMES: LitComm to cut jobs

It appears that the economic recession has not spared anyone. Even leading committees of leading literary talent in leading communications management schools in leading developing countries are facing the crunch as the LitComm at MICA has been severely hit.

The committee, which brings out it's bi-annual publication called 'Black Coffee' has been forced to cut 5 jobs out of a total workforce of, er, seven. Commenting on the move, CEO of Litcomm, Rahul Ashok said "It's a bad year for all of us. Less and less people are interested in literature, as there is less money to spend."

However, industry practioners were quick to criticize this move. Says ex-LitComm member and now freelance insect photographer, Ajinkya Pawar, "I think it's a rash (pun intended) move. With the recession on, people have fewer jobs and hence more time to read. I think it's a great time for Litcomm to actually invest and hire people and bring out more stuff."

It remains to be seen whether the sacking of most of its workforce will act as an impediment to bringing out Black coffee this year. "We have always worked within deadlines and are confident of meeting expectations", said Ashok before going off to answer another email on his Blackberry.

Only time and the publisher will tell how things shape up. As of now, MICA lacks coffee.

AMALTAS TIMES: Placements next year to go up 50%

For those who feel the economic recession is all negative, here is one statistic released by the Department of Statistics, Career Planning and Development Cell, MICA. The average salaries next year are expected to go up by 50% over the last year.

What this essentially means is, according to the DoS, if the average salaries this year are going to be 6, next year when things normalise, it will go back up, and might hit 9.

"This is a perfectly logical thing to happen," C.P.A.D.C. member Atul Saini. "The thing about placements in all BSchools is not how many companies come, or what was the highest salary and all... But how well you can manipulate statistics and come up with newer and newer levels of bull to confuse everyone." When asked whether this 50% logic was not true of every BSchool, Saini replies, "Sure, it will happen. For some BSchools it will go up by even more... But we thought of the fact first, didn't we?". He has a point.

"This is a truly magnificent statistic which we can no doubt use in placement brochures and pitches to companies.", says placements general secretary Shravan 'The Baba' Narula. "Maybe even that freak Chuck can go put the stat up on Pagalguy and get woo some more aspirants to this place", he adds with a smirk.

"Obfuscation is the name of the game, bay-beh", commented Placements Committee poster boy and heartthrob Nishant Tyagi, before going off to Shela village to meet with another bootlegger.

The DoS seems to have taken inspiration from Cricinfo statistics, which provide statistics such as what the highest score by a left-handed batsman starting with G is in a one-day international match at a ground starting with R against non-test playing nations.

(the answer, by the way, is 188* by Gary Kirsten at Rawalpindi)

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

STATUS MESSAGES

Yeah, I will admit to the fact that I am a hopeless fan of status messages. Some of the better ones that I've come across the last couple of months... Not all are original, but they sure as hell make for a good status message!

Cashtration: The act of splurging mindlessly which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period. - Gogi

People who scan status messages for entertainment are losers. Let me know if you find any good ones! - Nikhil Kulkarni

Contrary to popular belief, God's surname is not damnit! - Rutuja

I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me. - Abhay

Tony's word of the day- Inphlegmation: How the nose reacts to a bad cold. - Tony

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on - Rahul Vengalil

Warning: Dates in the calendar are closer than they appear - Ankit Singh

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI - Unni

not at ma desk....swivel chair actually - Arvind Menon

When the pre-requisite is a compulsory insurance for helicopter evacuation...you know you are about to venture out on something hard-core! - Hari

I'm so funny that people have started calling me a joke! - Tony Sebastian

I can do with a little religion,I mean opium - Pramod

The singular of Kurkure is Kurkura? - Chuck

The fact that the biggest finger dominates is but a thumb rule. - Chuck

Tony's Word of The Day: Feedback - when you make the chef eat his own unpalatable cooking. - Tony

stay away from my bad side...he bathes - Axon

--underwent a depreciation of the lateral value of his follical assets by means of manual truncation - Chuck

"B-school is the snooze button on the clock-radio of life" - Dalania

real men drink Fanta.....using a straw of course so it doesnt tamper with their lipgloss!!! - Aditya Khurana

How's he gonna read that magazine rolled up like that? What the ... - a fly. - Ajith Alexander

I've been using a lot of idioms lately, I guess its just a phrase. ;) - Tony

The economy is so bad, Women are marrying for Love ;) - Chandan

investigating the curious case of smart casuals in pursuit of virginity - Prateek

Even the GPS says i'm going nowhere :| - Nishant Rungta

roses are red, violets are blue...i dont know hindi..so this is my shayari for you... - Axon

"My fault, Gulti as charged" - B Ramalinga Raju - Pratty

"Procrastination is the art of keeping up wid yesterday!" - Rajkaran