Thursday, March 12, 2009

AMALTAS TIMES: Missing cats scam busted

In a shocking development which has put the entire stockbroking community under the scanner, Raghu P Vamsi, the president and founder of the Raghu Vamsi Girlfriend Association (not listed) has confessed to hoarding cats which has led to discrepancies in the number of felines on campus.

The confession came in a press meet hosted by Team Interface (the media relations and PR wing of MICA) in the presence of His Holiness the Hostel Coordinator of Amaltas Hostel, Sir Doctor Sri Sri Varun Paramanand Singh. Vamsi admitted here to the audience that he has been involved in the hoarding of cats since the second year at MICA. He further revealed that this was done inorder to fuel his relative's desires to open a pet shop in a district in Andhra Pradesh, where cats are highly valued.

Industry experts are drawing into this conclusion to explain why Vamsi was largely absent for the first half of the first year. "We believe that Vamsi arrived at MICA with the intent of finding as many animals as he could to send back to Andhra Pradesh.", explains His Holiness the Hostel Coordinator of Amaltas Hostel, Sir Doctor Sri Sri Varun Paramanand Singh. An investigation by this publication confirms this suspicion, as there has been an absurdly large number of airline tickets booked between Ahmedabad and Hyderabad during this time period, all under the names of different Golti-sounding names like Reddy Ornothereicome, Theattackofthebritish Raj, VVS Laxmandelu, Ramakant Butlaxmancan, Putyourfoodinyourmouthand Gentlychew and SS Ramalinga Raju - leading to the fact that Vamsi might indeed be operating with multiple fake passports.

The scandal is a big blow to the pet-retail business, which has now totally come under suspicion. There are doubts that other stores operating out of prominent South Indian cities like Bangalore, Chennai, Kochi and Gobichettipalayam source their pets illegally from other picturesque campuses such as IIT Bombay, MDI Gurgaon and IIM Ahmedabad. The latter has always been suspected ever since a store in Chennai proclaimed that 'These special cats can be sold to only the 99.95th percentile of buyers'.

Vamsi will currently be kept under detention, and he has been suspected to have said to his captors 'I accept my crime and subject myself to the laws of the land'. He handed over three twin kittens, allegedly named Glen, Mark and Pharma, to the Amaltas Hostel administration.

2 comments:

Atrisa said...

'These special cats can be sold to only the 99.95th percentile of buyers'. Where do you come up with shit like that!

I met Glen, Mark and Pharma a couple of days back. They are soooo cute :D

ChUcK said...

@ Atrisa: Shit like that comes up in the pot that is my head ;)

And yes, the cats are incredibly adorable. This is the difference between being born in a room of the leading Communications Management institute in the Asia-Pacific and a sewer.