Saturday, March 21, 2009

AMALTAS TIMES : METALLICA TO OPEN FOR MINUS ONE

In an event that could make shockwaves across the music fraternity, pioneering American heavy metal band Metallica are all set to open for the Shela-based rock-pop-classical group, Minus One.

The news came during a press meet by Metallica frontman, James Hetfield. "I've heard these guys when they opened for Zero and Parikrama, and I must tell you, they absolutely blew my mind away! And then I went back to the guys and told them that we have to open for them someday!"

The news comes as a revelation since Minus One's performances have largely been limited to Shela, the metropolis where the band resides, and attendance has been ensured only by force. "Arggh... Not another Minus One performance... Nahiiiiiiiiiiiiiii...", remarks noted music critic and Carnatic classical vocalist Vidyashankar Srinivasan, momentarily forgetting that he is the manager of the band in advisement (er, Minus One, not Metallica).

Obviously, industry experts are shocked at this revelation. "I think this is an unhealthy thing to do. Imagine what will happen now. Metallica opening for some college band in India... What's next? Iron Maiden opening for a local choir in Burkina Faso?", says leading hard rock band Gun 'n' Roses vocalist Axl Rose, before going off to spend the next twenty-nine years planning for the next GnR album.

According to insiders, Hetfield was not in full control of his senses when he made the decision. "Metallica are known for their drinking, and surely, were under the influence of alcoholic liquor when this decision was taken.", remarks an industry expert who spoke on conditions of anonymity. This claim was refuted by Nishant Tyagi, member of notorious smuggling group... Er, committee incharge of on-campus entertainment, Team Trinetra. Says Tyagi, "What nonsense. Everyone knows Gujarat is a dry state.", only to be mocked at by a recent visiting faculty.

His Holiness The Hostel Coordinator of Amaltas, Sir Doctor Sri Sri Varun Paramanand Singh was typically lucid in his reaction. "What the dash yaar! More noise yaar... Someone tell them to stop yaar!"

The band members themselves are non-plussed. "Metallica or Shela Warriors, it doesn't matter who opens for us. We're going to screw up anyway.", says guitarist and mind therapist Prateek Dubey. Gaurav Chatterji, band keyboardist, tabalchi, pianist and part vocalist remarked, "It really doesn't matter who opens for us. What is important is that we perform well without anything going wrong", before running off to find a replacement adaptor for his keyboard.

Pawar Ajinkya Mukund, noteed left-handed guitarist and 'Yellow Submarine' singer remarked, "Oh shit, these guys, yet again. They don't know their F majors from their tenors, or their tremolos from their harmonicas", before realising he was a freelance insect photographer and went off in the general direction of the mess to find some more rare species of bloated chlamydamonas.

Anshul Duggal, band drummer and lyricist and says, "We're still considering Metallica's request. We will revert to all at the appropriate time", before an irritating ringtone forced him to cut short. The vocalist was unavailable for comment since he/she was too busy being fired from the band. "No no", clarifies Chatterji. "We never fired anyone... We're just trying to find the right sound..." before postponing practice for yet another date with a participant of the latest course started on campus.

And lastly, Chuck was too busy for comment since he was too busy writing this article.

:P

8 comments:

Atrisa said...

Minus One - Coming back to life? :P

Anonymous said...

anshul said:
aattchooo!!
oh i am sorry...i am a little allergic to bull shit!

ChUcK said...

Would you like a tissue? :D

Ajinkya said...

we all swim in minus zero world.. :P

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