Saturday, January 10, 2009

JAZZ UP YOUR CV!

Disgruntled readers of COD will no doubt criticize my very inherent ability to pfaff and gas around. For example, that Mallu post could have been completed in all of two lines without needing to make a thesis of it. I accept this failing which is also a strength. For any marketer, this is a prime weapon in the arsenal. Yes, the world would be a better place if we could just weed out the gas, but practitioners of pfaffing will no doubt testify to its immense powers.

Enough pfaff about pfaff. Today we'll look at job titles in organizations. When I joined my software company in dear ol' Chennai, I was a junior software engineer. Six months into the job, no doubt the upper management and HR felt this was too demeaning a job title, and proceeded to 'upgrade' all of us to Associate Software Engineers'! What joy! Same salary, same suck-my-cock job, same workplace, different title! Oooh, I feel empowered. This was when I first felt like I was living ina Dilbert cartoon.

But later, when it came to the matter of putting my title on my CV, I realised how important that name change was, and thanked the upper echelons of management for 'promoting' our designation names, if not us.

Which led me to think, are all companies like this? Apparently, yes! My seniors at MICA join one agency as a Executive, Brand Communications and another one as Brand Strategy Associate, because, no doubt, 'junior account planner' sounds too douchebag. That itself is a fancier way of saying 'Presentation maker and glorified courier person'.

Yes, one will definitely agree, that title is not for the courier... Er, career-minded.
So here is what I think some rather boring sounding job titles can be upgraded to:

Truck Driver: Transportation Executive
Janitor: In-charge, hygiene maintenance and implementation
Office chaaiwala: Beverage industry logistics manager with special focus on interacting with professional end-users
Cobbler: Footwear maintenance executive

Even job descriptions can be made to sound nice.

For instance, the chauffeur of the Tata Steel management can claim the following: Played an integral part in the development and rise of the steel industry in the last 7 years by ensuring the timely logistical and personnel delivery which facilitated important business decisions such as the Corus acquisition.

The guy who washes dishes at a bar in downtown Mahim can say that he was: responsible for ensuring hygiene and quality control for repeat purchases in a retail outlet for alcoholic beverage whos business model was centered around targetting the bottom of the pyramid.

Even a beggar outside Spencer Plaza, if he ever floats a CV, can write thus: Was responsible for acquiring tax-free donations across the spectrum of socio-economic classes, based out of the biggest modern retail outlet in Southern India.

Pfaff can indeed make your CV sound very nice. I hope this post has inspired some of you to jazz up your boring CVs. 'worked as a software engineer in CTS?' Give me a break!

7 comments:

The MEANDERthal man said...

LOL I know who I'm going to send my resume for review :)

K said...

can u draft my cv for me?!
I make presentations in a leading media company! :)

Ritesh Khanna said...

kudos for such an innovative pfaffing post..

donraja said...

What a post man!! awesome. I love the pessimism. This kind of pessimism makes me feel optimistic in life. Will keep dropping in now. Too cool.

Mohan K.V said...

ROFL, the job descriptions part was pure awesomeness. You really should expand on this!

(I randomly bumped into your blog from KrishAshok's)

Anirudh Prakhya said...

Now this is one post that really makes one cheer up ! just happened to read this from a friend's status message. Kudos for the new insight :)

Anonymous said...

woah!!!super!!draft me a CV pls!