Saturday, March 11, 2006

HOW CHUCK SAVED THE UNIVERSE

It is a lesser known fact that I have, indeed, saved the universe. While lesser mortals have been occupying themselves with engineering text books and crappy Hindi movies, I have embarked on a more noble mission.

I was coming back from the neighbourhood supermarket, on my cycle. Attempting to balance a week's worth of grocery over two handlebars, one of which houses a dysfunctional braking setup, while maneuvering through an assorted collection of potholes is not an easy task. Lance Armstrong should try this. Anyway, I was riding around an old valley, when I saw a shiny bright light, emanating from the sky. At first, I assumed it just to be another new constellation, but it grew bigger and drew closer. It is at this crucial juncture that our protagonist (moi!) stops to think..."Constellations, no matter how recently formed, do not generally expand in size or feel the urge to pay planet earth a visit... atleast in the infancy mode". So i did the only logical thing one could do under such circumstances. I panicked. I began to run, abandoning my cycle. In retrospect, that was a stupid move. Then, a sort of light, of the type that dropped Mr. Bean onto the earth, shone and i was sucked into a spaceship.

So here i was. I felt like Arthur Dent. Inside a goddamn spaceship of all things. And that too at a night when "whose line is it anyway?" was showing. And that bar of Snickers was melting away, in that alley. I was pretty annoyed.A door opened. A man came in. I use the term 'man' loosely. It was more of an alien. Hmmm... Three eyes, green skin, four arms, and his first words were "oughujiakougloulou lougloug". Yes. Surely Alien, or someone who went for a fancy dress party and got stuck in his own costume.

"Greetings, my good man!", I counter to the aforementioned babble. "Take me to your leader".
"That's our line, sh*thead!" replies the alien. His skin clearly reminded me of the curry that was served at my previous hostel, but I'll skip that.
"Hmm... So you've managed to procure one of those nifty alien-gibberish-to-English gizmos that all aliens who invade earth when no other pastime prevail, have.", i observed.
"Quiet, moron!", said the alien, visibly taking umbrage. I couldn't matter less. I wanted my Snickers.
"Listen, dude, couldn't you possibly take someone else for hostage?", i requested.
"Quiet, imbecile! You shall come with me, and meet our leader, the overlord of all destruction, Beorge Tlair the fourth."The name was too close for comfort.

I realised that all my pleading about finding an able substitute was in vain, and i had to acquiesce to this Extraterrestrial's diktats. I was led into a room, where, ostensibly, sat Beorge Tlair. Indeed, there was a big, huge, monstrouos chap, the sort that you find in Engineering College Mens' Hostels.
"Furkulotropoouhyguif", observed the intellectual that is Tlair."Listen, mate... i know you have a few universes to destroy, but could you please leave me alone?""QUIET, IDIOT!", the overlord demanded, switching on his gizmo.

"We come from the planet Ameringland to destroy your puny world."I stood there for a minute, contemplating this overlord. Big and strong, yes, but definitely stupid looking.
He looked at me and guffawed, "Look at this". At this point he took out a gun the size of an obese cannon from his pocket. "This is a Rumsfeld 989. The deadliest weapon in the galaxy. One pull of this trigger and i can eliminate your city. Imagine what an army of 70,000 can do to your planet. This is what we have. Aur aapke paas kya hai?"

I stood there, looking at this beast. How juvenile can people get? Or i guess we could give Tlair a bit of leeway as he is not technically "human".
"Our greatest weapon", I said, "is the Poor Joke. The PJ.""Huh? I have not heard of this weapon in all my 56 xilitrons as chief destructor of Ameringland".

"That's because, dude, you Ameringlands have glands for brains. Allow me to demonstrate my weapon.""Hah. We have analysed Earth, and see that your greatest weapon, the Nuclear bomb is mediocre compared to our Rummy."
"Allow me to demonstrate", i reiterated.
"Go on."
"What do you call two waists that are separated by a small distance?"
"Huh...?!!!!"
"A spaces-hip."

The alien reeled. I knew it was working.

"Where do aliens have a party? At the GALA-xy."
"Nooo!!!! Stop!"

I sensed my chance to finish him off."Do you realise that if you steal the Earth, you will have to steal Phase and Neutral as well, otherwise your electricity won't flow?"

That did it. They opened the door of the spacecraft and kicked me in the small of the pants, and i was thrown out. I traversed a projectilesque path, and landed, arse first, on the ground. The aforementioned protrusion, being of well-padding, rendered me bereft of pain. The door of the craft shut itself, but only before the Overlord's last words were heard : "Make sure we go back and tell General Bony Gush to stay away from this accursed planet. Grtoutyhgyofw!"
And with that last burble, the ship shot off. I couldn't care less. I opened my Snickers, had a bite and rode off.

Thusly, ChUcK saved the universe. A lesser-known fact.

8 comments:

Freaky Chakra said...

Q> What does the bell of a table-tennis player sound like?

A> Ping-Pong! :)

I havent yet saved the universe with my special powers yet (drat!)... but you give me hope my man! There is a world out there for PJ pundits like us ;)

ChUcK said...

@ freaky_chakra : Thanks dude... i'm working on my next blog... which will be PJs, and PJs only...!!!!

You can catch more of the ChUcKster's work on the PJ thread at PaGaLGuY..

And don't worry... there are lots of alien invasions to come in the near future ;)

ChUcK

Freaky Chakra said...

lol! will wait anxiously :)

Aditi said...

hehe V funny post :)
kinda reminds me of 'chicken little'
noooo make it 'chucken little' :)

Anirudh said...

Oh my big bully...
The mantle of Wodehouse and DNA has fallen upon you
Remember, with great power comes great responsibility
Looking forward to you using your powers in the battle against the aliens from yankee land(Forge Blare and Phony flush)..whatever...

Way to go!

ChUcK said...

Anirudh, mate...

Wodehouse and DNA?

I don't know Plum was a genetic engineer... ;)

ChUcK

Anirudh said...

Oh my dear Arthur Dent,

DNA = Douglas Adams of Hitch Hiker's guide fame.

urs...ZB

ChUcK said...

Ah... I have the whole omnibus with me, but never got around to reading it. Thanks for claifying my doubts for me..!

ChUcK