Repairing an iPod is stripping an Apple to it's core.

* shove *
* push *

Teri *** ka **o***a!
B**** ki ***k*!

Moral of the story: If you want to get off at Andheri, never, EVER board a train headed to Bhayander. EVEN if you have that fancied first-class pass :P

Okay, so I'll admit it - these are not mine. Got some absolute gems from Cricinfo, in the new Page 2 section. Which basically makes fun of commentators on IPL, with special mention going to Rameez Raja.

Anyway, here are some of my favourites. But for the full list, please do check the above link out. It's brilliant.

"If we have a Super Over then super things can happen."
Ramiz Raja captivates the five-year-olds who form an important part of his audience with some cunning wordplay

"How well he has managed to mitigate this innings in the last few overs."
Ramiz Raja has fun with the English language

"Herschelle Gibbs is an opener, he has to score runs."
Saba Karim has a eureka moment and lets everyone know

"Farveez Maharoof is busy doing nothing."
Ever the diplomat, Ramiz Raja, while interviewing Maharoof, doesn't put too fine a point on the fact that he hasn't played a game in the tournament so far

"Two overs remaining. That's 12 balls, folks."
Alistair Campbell joins the dots for the segment of the audience who thought they were watching the Superbowl

"When you can't succeed with the orthodox, try the unorthodox."
Alistair Campbell stumbles upon an eternal truth of batting, and indeed life itself

"That's a Citi moment of disaster."
Robin Jackman misplaces his script while attempting to describe a dropped catch

"He has managed to clear the deep long-off"
Further proof of how revolutionary the IPL is: Ranjit Fernando invents a new fielding position

"Shades of that triple-hundred from Chennai a few years ago."
Danny Morrison provides a fine illustration of the phrase "jumping the gun" as soon as Virender Sehwag hits his first ball of the innings against Deccan Chargers. Sehwag was dismissed for 20

"That was a serious shot."
Pommie Mbangwa can tell the difference between a lofted drive which means business and other strokes that are just looking for a good time

" I don't think... I don't think... I do think... I do think"
Mark Nicholas makes half a damaging confession as he watches Yusuf Pathan send one to the fence

"He's got to pick up wickets, he's got to be economical"
Laxman Sivaramakrishnan explains, for the benefit of the blind, the ignorant and the bored senseless, just what it is that Anil Kumble needs to do

"ABD made batting look like A - B - C - D."
Mandira Bedi has clearly been working on her scripts

"He DLF-ed it with ease."
Robin Jackman coins new verbs in his eagerness to push some product

Sensing an overuse and abuse of some words, the Quota Usage Association of Communication Kompanies (QUACK) has placed restrictions on the number of times each organization can use certain words.

Explaining the reason for the move, the CEO of the Ahmedabad-based organization spoke exclusively to Amaltas Times. ''What we are facing is repetitive usage of the same words in the media. The way we describe multiple situations is now becoming homogeneous. I mean, back in the good ol' 1900s, people used words like sesquipedalian and velocipede. Who uses words like that now? Our kids are going to become duffers. Hence we're going to place restrictions on words that organizations can use and restrict the use of very common, repetitive words.'', said former QUACK president Jignesh Patel, whose name caused him to be removed from his post.

What are the implications of the ruling, is thr question on everybody's lips and Twitter feeds, and understandably so. The IPL commentary team is likely to be badly affected, since their entire vocabulary revolves around roughly 25 words. There is panic among the top reigns of SET Max, since Arun Lal cannot describe every boundary as 'Fantastic' anymore. Neither can Ravi Shastri use 'sailed into the crowd' indiscriminately. There is also a populist ruling which ensures that Gaurav (that irritating VJ-turned-cricket expert) cannot giggle and make passes at Mandira Bedi more than 10 times a match. Followers of normal cricket on normal channels like ESPN-Star are relieved. ''Thank heavens, we won't have to bear those idiots' commentary again. Now I can actually release the mute button!'', says noted IIM Ahmedabad alumnus and cricket statistician Nikhil Chalakkal. However, the move has raised questions in the corporate world, with uncertainty over how many times a six is actually a DLF Maximum, or a catch is a Citi Moment of success or an appeal is a Sennheiser AudioMoment, or a toss is an ICICIPrudential MoneyFlip.

Another high-profile victim of the ruling is noted B... Er C-School MICA, who has to now limit the usage of the words 'brand', 'positioning', 'insight', 'model' and 'customer'. When contacted about the ill effects of the move, freelance insect photographer Ajinkya Pawar remarked that this would probably lead to half the visiting faculty not knowing what to say. ''They'll have to come up with synonyms for everything. So instead of brand they'll say name-of-product and for insight they'll say the-thing-customers-do-which-drives-marketing-ideas. Boy, this is gonna be fun!''

Amaltas Times attempted contacting His Holiness the Hostel Coordinator of Amaltas, Sir Doctor Sri Sri Varun Paramanand Singh was unable to comment since he had already exhausted his yearly quota of the words 'dash', 'what' and 'brilliant'.

QUACK is also yet to respond on why they altered the spelling of 'companies' to come up with a cheesy acronym.

Scene : Local grocery store, after purchases

Owner: Aur kuch?
Me: Nahin, kaafi hai.
Owner: (starts calculating)
Customer X: Thambee, oru soda
Owner: Arun, oru soda kodu
Me: :O Ningal thamizha?
Owner: Kaun, main? Nahin, nahin... Main Marwadi hoon!
Me: :O :O

Moral of the story: If being polylingual is what it takes to sell, the Marwadis will do it!

Q: How do you make yourself feel terribly out of place at a rock concert attended almost wholly by dopey schoolkids with Opeth tee shirts?

A: Come straight from work, with a huge laptop bag and crummy formals.

Moral of the story: When you know you're going to attend a rock show in the evening, carry a change of clothes in the aforementioned huge laptop bag. Headbaning in a Peter England and Raymonds is not exactly becoming.

02:53 PM: Hey, that sounds like Sabbath! There's someone in this building who likes Sabbath! (goes near window). Hmm, guess I was just hearing things.

02:56 PM: Hey hey that is definitely Led Zeppelin! Who's playing... Oh well I must be imagining it.

03:05 PM: Surely, that's Metallica! Those rhythms, the drumming, the bass... Ah crap, why does the music keep stopping?

03:25 PM: Wow, he's playing guitar and it sounds AMAZING! Superb riffs! Maybe I could form a band with him and... It's coming out of this window... Oh...

It's construction machinery.

Moral of the story : Maybe going back to Boyzone and 'NSync once in a while is not all that bad an idea...

Venue: Professional Couriers, behind some shady building, JB Nagar, Andheri

Protagonists: Yours Truly and Courier Dude

CD : Haan?
YT : Courier...
CD : Kidhar tak?
YT : Bangalore
CD : Mattannalayethum
YT : !!!! :O :O !!!! Sheri...

Morals of the story :
1. Wherever you go, there is a Mallu
2. If you're a Mallu trying hard not to behave like one, there's no point, they will still catch you.

Q: Why did our hero travel from Andheri to Fort today?
A: To buy a couple of Duracell batteries and a Thums-Up.

Moral of the story: Before traversing half the city to get your repaired canera back, call the goddamn store to see if they will be open. :/

Who said a loo doesn't inspire poetry in even the most stoic of us? This is my going away present to the amazing throne on the right wing of the Amaltas first floor.