Sunday, February 05, 2012

[JUGAAD] CARTOONIST'S LIGHTBOX

In an attempt to shore up my sorry cartooning skills and upgrade from using nothing more than paper, markers and a scanner (and of course, MS Powerpoint), I did a Google search for cartoonist tools to see what I was missing out on.

Among them was a lightbox. A device on which you place your paper and draw, which makes sketching a lot easier (think layers from Photoshop if you're of that clan). In essence, it's nothing more than a box with light coming out of it.

Cost: $199.99. You've got to be freakin' kidding me.

Which is when I decided to do a little rummaging, pay the electrical store a quick visit and come up with my own solution.

Materials needed: Plastic paper box, 1 small CFL, bulb holder and wire to a plug.

Place CFL in box like suchly.

Close box like thusly. Try not to snip the wire, that will render things a little useless.

Voila! Sketch heaven!


Total cost: INR 525. #winning.

This man, the king of jugaad, would be proud.

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Saturday, January 21, 2012

TENDULKAR FINDS 100TH 100 ON CRICINFO PROFILE, CONFUSED


Adelaide: The entire nation of India is ecstatic, confused, delirious and upset all at the same time, as master blaster, little genius, Bradman incarnate (etc etc) Sachin Tendulkar was found to have a 100th century on his Cricinfo profile.


"I have absolutely no idea what happened... I just woke up this morning to check my Cricinfo profile to see how many runs I had... And was shocked to see that I had 100 international centuries. I was shocked.", revealed the little master to CoD's roving cricket journalist.


Tendulkar's Cricinfo profile which clearly shows 100 international centuries

This comes on the heel of the news of one Bengali professor finding 490 billion rupees in his SBI bank account, and no one knows where the money came from.


"I was initially confused... But then I realised that Cricinfo is the authority on Cricket and couldn't have possibly made a mistake, so I guess I have 100 international centuries now.", said the little master, looking up to the skies for a brief moment before adjusting his abdomen pad and asking for the sightscreen to be moved.


Also, the master blaster seems to have broken Brian Lara's world records of 400* in a Test match and 501* in a First Class match, as his new highest score was put up as 502*.


"To be honest, I don't remember scoring that. I once remember I was playing EA Cricket 2010 on Virat's XBox with him and I had made Dinesh Mongia score 433* against the MCC XI, but I quite honestly don't remember this...", said the little genius.


"Anyway, I'm relieved... It feels great to have scored that 100th century (whether I did it or not)", said the little wizard before going on and scoring a quickfire double century in a game against a local XI. "I know can play with freedom". Australia at Adelaide had better be scared. Very scared.


The news has been greeted with contrasting views by India's cricket-crazy population and the media.
The average fan is ecstatic, finally getting the bugbear of waiting for SRT to score his 100th. "FINALLY! Now I can stop doing poojas every morning", screamed out one cricket fan from Varanasi. Tweeted another one from Delhi, "I can finally stop reorganizing furniture in my room before every Sachin innings."


The media, however, does not share the happiness. Every publication in the country was gearing up for the huge event with a Sachin Special issue (Every publication apart from The Hindu, that is, who would had templatized 'keen contest on the cards' for the Adelaide test). "Stark raving crazy this is. Not only do we seem like fools for having missed this alleged 100th 100, but what do I do with the 5 page Sachin Ton-dulkar special that I've been keeping for the last one year?!", bellowed an editor from the Times of India.


How the 100th 100 came about itself is a mystery. Some cynics (mostly Australian) assume that a hacker got in, but ESPNCricinfo's head of security assured us that no-one can break into the servers. The overall assumption is that Sachin just played an innings which Cricinfo forgot to update or some centuries in unofficial innings (such as  the Diana Memorial Match at Lord's) suddenly was conferred official status.


"In any case, he can now stop worrying about the 100th 100 and do what he does best - scoring centuries", said Rameez Raja, underlying his ability to sound absurd and logical at the same time.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

THE RELIGIOUS DIVIDE

Throughout history, each paradigm of development has left us with a gulf between the haves and have-nots. Today, we see an India which downloads torrents and plays Angry Birds on their smartphones like there's no tomorrow, and another whose local bank branch runs manually. This is the digital divide.

Similarly, it's easy to extrapolate backwards and see how Messr. Gutenberg might have created a class of readers and another bunch who couldn't afford a papyrus. Go back a few more years, and there might have been one class of cavemen who didn't know jack about clubs while the rest, no doubt, met around their local bar, The Brown Mastadon, talking about the latest advancements in club technology and how the aerodynamics and contours of the new MammothBasher 9000 were so much better.

Anyhow...

Following a couple of surgeries after an accident in mid July, I've been shuttled off to Bahrain to spend time recuperating at the nice apartment my parents stay in. Usually, of course, that's not too bad a thing. Who doesn't like spending time with his parents, having some maa ka khana rather than the oi teri maa ki that Mumbai roadsides are likely to feed you? And that too in a luxurious quiet place with no mosquitoes, faltering ceilings and generally space to move around (my mom, staying in my Mumbai room said that she felt like a stranded passenger sleeping on a railway platform)?

Sadly, all this comes at a teeny price. My parents are religious. Oh, not the normal sort of 'religious'. You know when they say 'Jonty Rhodes religiously practices his fielding' and 'Neils Bohr religiously studied Physics'? THAT sort of 'religious' religious.

Of course, most of my childhood was spent in subservience - never a good thing if you're a kid who just wants to be left alone to his own amusements. Hence followed a series of things my parents thought I should be indoctrinated in - the best of which was a weekly prayer class which pretty much ruined the only morning on which most kids would get some sleep. Car radio stations were shunned for hours and hours of drones and monotonic renditions of bhajans filled my daily sojourn to and from school. Vacations were things I used to dread, because that invariably meant 'temple-seeing-trip-in-Kerala-accompanied-by-meeting-hordes-of-strange-people-who-bitch-about-each-other'. Birthdays, those things of presents and cakes and friends, unfortunately fell during vacation months and instead of Black Forest I got a vadyaar and a fire.

But heck, I made peace with all this. I loved my parents and was willing to take all this in my stride, because, hey, what did I know?

Then of course, I discovered the world. And rebellion began. When I say 'rebellion', I don't mean actively protesting against meaningless pujas with picket signs and telling my extended family what a waste of time and money all this was, but just a dip in the subservience (a term you will encounter a couple of paragraphs up). So while the annual pilgrimage was being mooted, I went from my its-my-fate silence to its-still-my-fate-but-heck 'Mehhh'.

Woohoo! I had rebelled!

Anyway, there is this large gulf between me and my parents, easily the most religious people I know - I call this the religious divide. They of the annual Sabarimala planners, I of the giver of a rodent's posterior. They of the early morning japam, I of the Google Reader.

It's fun sometimes imagining scenarios like the ones below, if the tables were turned a little.


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Remember that extra commandment that George Carlin had? That wonly.

Ah well, what's life without a little disagreement, right?

Sunday, November 27, 2011

A QUESTION OF FAITH

When I seemed to be recovering properly from my accident, my mother assured me that it was because of the will of the man upstairs and various petitions issued on my behalf by well-wishers.

Now that the complication actually arose and the bone broke and I had to go in for surgery again, I tried to question the efficacy of the petitions.

As usual, I was rubbished with a fair amount of irrationale.

I might as well try to hold a discussion on the finer points of prog-metal with them.

Ah, religion. One thing that separates our generation from the previous one more than anything else.

PS: No offence meant to anyone, no outrage please, etc etc and all that.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

MY TOP 20 METALLICA SONGS

(This post was originall published on Sify here)


Ah, Metallica. So many things come to mind. Underground thrash pioneers with their first three albums (Kill ‘em All, Ride The Lightning, Master of Puppets). Then their iconic bassist Cliff Burton died tragically and a much darker, some would say bloated … And Justice For All surfaced with very average production. They distinctly took a commercial turn with The Black Album, and explored a softer, almost country side with Load and Reload. A hiatus and frontman James Hetfield’s rehab later came St. Anger – the most derided of the lot (one critic referred to drummer Lars Ulrich as a three-year old pounding steel pots with a spoon). And just when the world thought age had caught up and Metallica were just a memory, came the explosive Death Magnetic.

There probably hasn’t been a more debated band in history. Everyone’s top 10 is different. Their audiences hate each other – at one end there are the ‘pure’ metalheads who swear by the first three albums, who firmly look down upon fans of their lighter stuff, and pretend that albums 5 to 8 never happened. There are liberalists who say the radical departure in style in Load and Reload just add to their variety. Some say they’re lyrical geniuses, some say they’re just about the riffs. Fans of ‘more evolved’ bands say they’re just overrated and don’t deserve the attention.

Whichever side of the fence you stand on, you can’t argue that Metallica have been one of the most influential bands around. Even though their studio work might have deviated from their roots, they kept the flame of heavy metal burning through the commercial pop-infested era of the 90s and 2000s.
Also, since their albums are so different from each other – Metallica are probably the last band in this era of the downloaded MP3 – for whom the concept of individual albums makes sense. One classifies himself as being a Kill ‘Em All fan or a Reload fan.

After close to three decades, Metallica finally come to India. Fans have been dreaming about this moment for years. Everyone has something to look forward to. As a small tribute from a fan who won’t be able to go for either show (alas, an accident means that spending 7 hours with 50,000 headbangers is not the most therapeutic of activities), here are a collection of my top 20 Metallica songs.


20. St. Anger: Despite being their most hated album universally, St. Anger is probably Metallica’s thematically strongest album since AJFA. The hatred, depression and anger all pumps out through all the songs, none more so than the title track itself. And for a brief moment, as Hetfield pumps out that ‘So much in anger with you’ line repeatedly, while Ulrich bangs on those ‘tinpots’ – you get a sense of the message that the band tries to convey. It was possibly not the prettiest way to get the message across, but it definitely was effective. Explore the rest of the album if you have the patience, but this is the standout track.

19. That Was Just Your Life: There are some songs that deserve a place in a list for their sheer placement. Musically, they might not be great, but the sheer impact they create makes up for it. When Deep Purple’s classic Mark 2 lineup reunited for 1984’s Perfect Strangers, the opener, Knockin’ On Your Back Door sounded better than it actually was, because it was the celebration of the best permutation of the band getting back. Similarly, for close to 20 years, ‘early’ Metallica fans had lost all hope, seeing their once underground kings get softer, older and slower. But when that heartbeat kicks in the first few seconds, just like it did on Dark Side Of The Moon, you knew something was going to give. Kirk’s frantic soloing was back. Hetfield’s rhytm never sounded more aggressive. Begone, the era of commercialization! For good ol’ Metallica were back once again, and this track not just stamped it, but steamrolled it.

18. The Call Of Ktulu: The first of Metallica’s great instrumentals (I’m not counting Anasthesia –possibly the most overrated piece of basswork ever). It was also partly written by original guitarist Dave Mustaine (who of course, went on to form Megadeth). This track shows a quartet experimenting with progressive thrash and doing so very successfully.

17. All Nightmare Long: The impact that the first song on Death Magnetic (#19 in this list) has barely left you, before a sinister arpeggio comes in leading to what is possibly Hetfield’s fastest riffing in a decade. Ulrich’s snare comes in and complements it perfectly; not sounding like the jarring clang it was in St. Anger. Metallica successfully marry their thrash roots with the hummabilty their 90s songs acquired. It’s clear that this band is well and truly back.

16. The Unforgiven: I’m not going to hide the fact that I’m a huge fan of the Unforgiven trilogy, and I’d love to see them perform it back-to-back-to-back. This sounds like a perfect fit for a thrash metal band going commercial – the name sounds dark enough. An easy tempo, and stunningly, a heavy verse and light chorus. Metallica have been accused of many things, including selling out, but you can never blame them for lack of innovation.

15. Until It Sleeps: I like Load and Reload. If for no other reason, they showcase James Hetfield’s vocal range. So, in a way, his most un-metal albums were an important factor in establishing of one of metal’s best vocalists. On many other tracks, his ‘yeaaaaah!’ comes off as a little forced – like Fuel, but here, it seems very natural. Hammett, of whom I’ve never been too much of a fan – plays one of those rare, sweet knows-when-to-exit solos.

14. Mama Said: If someone had said in 1986 that Metallica was capable of writing a sentimental song that was capable of eliciting tears by means other than smoke choke, he’d have been written off as crazy. Stunningly, that’s what they manage to do here. A touching tribute to his mother, James pulls this off in true metal ballad style. Metallica weren’t getting softer, they were just exploring.

13. Fixxxer: One of their most underrated tracks, this is probably Metallica’s best attempt at sludge metal. The opening lines are “Dolls of voodoo all stuck with pins, One for each of us and our sins”. I’d like someone to say that Reload is still a soft album. The ending is pure metal bliss.

12. I Disappear: The oft-forgotten track, since it’s not on the ‘Metallica discography 320kbps all albums’ torrent, since it’s on the Mission Impossible 2 soundtrack. This is not their most intelligent song (I’m pain, I’m hope, I’m suffer?). But it would top the list of songs I’d want to yell at the top of my voice when zooming down a highway with a friend. Honestly, I’d love to see them do this live and see the crowd singing along.

11. The Unforgiven III: Yeah, yeah, this is my favourite off Death Magnetic. I can’t think of too many Metallica songs using a piano, this one does it quite nicely. It’s fantastic how all three Unforgiven tracks sound different, yet still revolve it around the same chord pattern. This is definitely the most complex of the three – lyrically and musically. The orchestral sounds add a different dimension altogether. And a Hammett solo that I really like, I think I caught a little Eastern scale at 5:49.

10. Enter Sandman: Or How-to-take-thrash-mainstream 101. Everything about this song has ‘success’ written all over it. Slick production and arrangement, a sinister riff, huge drum coming in, anthemic verses, and of all things, a child’s prayer! Not since Sweet Child O’ Mine a couple of years back, has mainstream rock been so gripped.

09. One: The song that won them many fans, but lost a few who were convinced their making a video was a sign of selling out. Pity, really, because this is one of their best progressive tracks. Anti-war theme, superb solo, and the most effective four-note-arrpegio in Metallica history. Even though Ulrich’s bass sounds heavily processed, this is a fantastic track. I love the shift in ‘mood’ at 1:31.

08. King Nothing: Their most underrated track. Their angriest track. King Nothing is the type of track that makes you want to just scream along. And I love it how Newsted just drives the whole song, and there’s that little almost Burtonesque atmosphere created during the chorus.

07. Nothing Else Matters: Sure, it’s the one that all the posers know. It’s the one that all guitar n00bs know to play because you just have to play those four strings without fretting. Once you’ve cut through the derision, what remains is a gorgeous love song. Superb intro, heartfelt lyrics, lovely arrangement (well done, Bob Rock!), and that solo by Hetfield. During concerts, even the most angsty will pull out their lighters for this one. Forget the haters, love this song for what it is.

06.  Orion: It’s sad that Anasthesia is commonly regarded as Cliff Burton’s showcase. My personal opinion about that aside, this is what should be considered his masterpiece. Largely written by him, bass solos (check out 1:42 – that’s not a guitar, folks) and a lovely interlude. This is Metallica at the heights of their musicmanship. If Kirk had stuck to the type of soloing he does here instead of  over-reliance on that annoying wah pedal, he’d be much higher held in esteem.

05. The Unforgiven II: The same intro as its predecessor, before kicking you in the gut to take you on a melodious minor-chord riff giving way to a lovely finger-picking riff. You can see both avatars - the 40-year old post-rehab Hetfield and the young 20-year old adrenalized punk in this track. Extremely high on hummability (which is why guys like me, who can play only 5 chords, can get away by playing this). Add to this, wordplay (“Are you unforgiven too?”) that J.W. Lennon would have been proud of.

04. The Four Horsemen: Their first great track – a signature thrash song, with progressive elements like slowed down tempos, a theme which could be interpreted as the four members of the band themselves. When you start off on that Metallica discography, you start with Hit The Lights, which is plain noise. You just want to get it over with to come on to the real track on the album. Headbangers’ paradise.

03. Master Of Puppets: I’d never heard a note of metal when my two friends dragged me off to a show where a cover band from Trivandrum, Rage (the drummer now plays for Avial) played three Metallica songs, one being MoP. I was floored. When ‘greatest metal songs’ and ‘most influential songs ever’ are discussed, MoP doesn’t enter the discussion much, in much the same vein that Don Bradman is never discussed while talking about greatest batsmen – it’s just a foregone conclusion. Metallica’s most orgasm-inducing moment is the melody interlude at half the devilish number, 3:33. I thought the lyrics made no sense till I realized they were about drugs. Woah!

02. Fade To Black: Where Metallica differentiated themselves from others riding the thrash wave, was their ability to write songs like this, and not shying away from it. Everything about this song is great – the intro (a friend once said if you don’t close your eyes during that moment, you’re not a true rock fan), the theme, the solo. And of course, for all those parents worried about devil’s music, Metallica’s received a lot of letters from kids who decided not to take the extreme step of suicide after hearing this. That should keep them on the right side of the Association for a while.

01. Welcome Home (Sanitarium): Musically similar to FTB (arrpegio intro with solo, gets steadily heavier, fantastic solo). Even if you don’t read much into lyrics, you can’t help but being taken away by what James sings here. Another song that Burton excels in, and the heavy reverb on the clean guitars adds such a murky, sinister atmosphere. My guess is, if they play this at Bangalore, there will be quite a few hoarse throats and sprained necks the next morning.

No Metallica list is ever complete without arguments, bashings and disagreements. So go right ahead!